Everybody Is Looking For Something
by J.J. Blue
Summary: Everything started simply enough with a bet between a teenager and a child. Right then none of the two knew in what they had involved themselves or how it would change their lives... (SxS) [Warning: SxS Lemon inside] [Betaed]
1. Everybody Is Looking For Something

**Title: "Everybody Is Looking For Something"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**. It contain some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, some lemon, a bit of sappiness...  
**Notes:** Inspired by **"Tokyo Babylon"** Vol. 1 **'Destiny'** and by the fact that people are often looking for something without knowing exactly what they're looking for.  
**Warning over notes:** This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes **_AFTER_** you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?  
**Thanks:** To **Jennifer** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Everything started simply enough with a bet between a teenager and a child. Right then none of the two knew in what they had involved themselves or how it would change their lives..._

* * *

_**"Why am I walking barefoot  
Upon this road with no one around  
I close my eyes to this decision  
The night's like coffee to my tongue  
Like waking up without a sound  
I map the words out  
Maybe you will say them **_

_**Would you help me rise up  
Touch my face and watch me try to breathe again  
Would you let me do this  
Burn down the final wall **_

**_Overcome me baby  
Overcome me baby  
Overcome me baby  
Overcome me yeah  
All I'm asking is to be alive for once."  
(Vienna Teng - "Momentum")_**

* * *

The place was weird, but the child was too young to notice. There was nothing around, absolutely nothing, except for himself, a Sakura tree and a tall teenager in his black Gakuseifuku.(1)

The Sakura was in full bloom.

The teenager was friendly if a little weird as well, but, as he was the first nice person that the child had met since arriving in Tokyo, his weirdness didn't matter much. He had immediately decided that he liked him. A whole lot. From his first glance the child felt a pull for which he had no name.

The child liked the strange place too, wherever it was. It was peaceful, completely different from Tokyo's normally chaotic yet cold facade. The big city had scared him and had made him feel homesick. This place however... was kind of welcoming. Kind of like home. He liked it. He would tell Hokuto-chan about it once he got back home.

"The Sakura is beautiful," he couldn't help saying. It was so nice to be with someone who was being kind to him... who didn't seem to expect him to behave like a grown up but wasn't treating him like a meaningless child either. The teenager seemed interested in what he said.

"Do you like Sakura blossoms?" he asked curiously in a smooth, well modulated voice, and the child decided he liked his voice a whole lot too.

"Yes!" he chirped enthusiastically. Did they maybe share the same tastes, he wondered. Did they have something in common, something that might explain why he felt close to this teenager he had never met before? Would this something, allow them to become friends? To be together like this again?

The teenager's smile widened at his answer, and with a gesture he motioned at the falling blossoms.

"Did you know there are corpses buried under the Sakura?" he asked in a quite dispassionate tone for such a macabre topic.

"Corpses?" the child asked, not sure if the teenager was being serious or joking. After all, Hokuto-chan too loved to tell him scary stories, and maybe the nice teenager was similar to her more than to him. That thought made him inexplicably sad.

"The Sakura blossoms so beautifully every year because there are corpses buried underneath," the teenager explained in a serious tone, his hand moving to touch the flowers blossoming on one of the tree's branches near him. "The Sakura flowers were originally white, pure white, as the snow," he continued smiling as if amused as he looked at the flowers. "So, do you know why they are now coloured lightly pink?" he asked returning his attention to the child, his tone conspiring as if he were sharing a secret.

The child shook his head, feeling somehow captured by that strange, morbid tale.

"Because they suck the blood of the corpses buried under the tree," the teenager explained cheerfully, as if he wasn't talking of a gruesome matter, but of something fun.

The child's eyes widened at the revelation and tears came to his eyes as he considered the implications of what the teenager said.

"But does this hurt the people under the Sakura?" he couldn't help but ask.

The teenager was startled by his question and his eyes, even if partially obscured by his long fringe, studied the child with a deep, intense gaze for a moment, then he smiled again, a smile that seemed more an amused smirk then anything else, and he bent down, his eyes now at the child's level.

"Let's make a bet," he said, sounding intrigued. "If you and I were to meet again..." But the rest of his words were lost as the wind started to blow, its whistling covering whatever the teenager was saying.

"I'm sorry! I can't hear you because of the wind!" the child exclaimed apologetically.

The teenager's smile stayed and he touched the child's cheek in a gentle caress. His hand was large, strong and yet... warm and nice as he touched him. It felt so nice against his cheek...

"Therefore today... I'll let you go..." the child managed to make out before everything began to fade and he fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

_'He said there are corpses buried under the Sakura. That's why every year they would bloom ever so beautifully. Who was he, who could say that smiling? Will I see him again? I... I can only wait for him, I... I..._'(2)

* * *

The teenager sleeping on ground covered by Sakura blossoms was a picture of ethereal beauty. His white Shikifuku, combined with his innocent look gave him a sense of purity, as if he was an angel fallen from the sky for some reason, an angel so beautiful no mortal eyes should be allowed to see him. Sakura petals were falling quietly on him in a slow dance accentuating the beauty of the picture, so many they gave the impression they would end up covering him fully.

Yes, they would bury him, bury him completely and his resting place would become his grave. He would never wake up again, and if he never woke up then he would never spread his white wings and fly, fly away from this place. He would remain here forever. The beautiful child that had grown into a beautiful teenager maybe one or two years younger then him would stay with him forever. And yet he would never be really with him. Not while he was sleeping.

The older, taller teenager frowned, not really pleased with that conclusion, then walked up to the other boy and knelt at his side.

There was no reaction from the sleeping boy who should have been around sixteen or seventeen. His eyes were still closed. His chest moved up and down regularly, but his small, curled form was perfectly still aside from that. Up close he was even prettier; soft porcelain skin begged to be touched; slightly parted rosy lips seemed to have been made to be kissed; a small, cute nose; long, dark eyelashes that, he knew, would shadow eyes of a perfect emerald green should those eyes open again; a round, childish face, framed by fine, dark, ebony hair; a frail neck; not too large shoulders, and slender arms with such perfect, small hands that carried, printed on their back the shape of a reversed star...

He nudged one of the sleeping teenager's hands with the curious look of a child busy poking his new toy.

The skin was soft and warm but the sleeping teenager didn't react to his touch.

He took the small hand into his own. It fit perfectly, as if made to be there. The young boy's fingers seemed to weakly try to close around his hand, as if to return the hold, and he moaned something but showed no other reactions beside this.

The older teenager grinned at that, intrigued, planning to get more than just a moan. He let the hand go and saw it drawn back to its original position next to the other as its owner grimaced, as if in pain, and curled in on himself further.

However he didn't seem to plan to wake up; on the contrary his sleep seemed even deeper now.

The teenager poked one of those soft cheeks, gaining only another moan.

"Sleeping beauty, wake up," he said as he poked the sleeping boy's cheek again causing him this time getting the other's head to move a little as well as moan. The teenager stared at the boy, fighting the urge to pout. Poking didn't seem to lead him anywhere. His sleeping beauty didn't seem to plan to wake up anytime soon. The game wasn't progressing fast enough and he hated that. His sleeping beauty...

He grinned as he came up with a new plan.

It always worked in fairy tales so why shouldn't it work right then?

He took hold of the sleeping teenager's shoulder and then, gently, turned him on his back. More moans, some squirming as the boy settled in his new position and then nothing again. His prey's face was still turned toward him, his neck exposed. His right arm, draped on his stomach, gave him an impression of a vulnerability that made him look even tastier. He trailed his fingers lightly over that exposed neck.

It was so soft and delicate...

It would take nothing to break it, to crush it in his hands, cutting off the boy's air supply... but that wasn't what he had in mind. He was planning a more amusing game and it required the boy to be alive and breathing. And awake.(3)

He leaned over the sleeping teenager, resting his weight on his forearms, and then glanced mischievously at the youth's unaware features before bending down further to brush his lips against the other's parted ones.

He hadn't planned to give him a real kiss, just a mere brushing of lips, but when he tried to raise himself he found he couldn't. He had touched those soft lips with his own, he had breathed the air the other boy exhaled, and the boy had done the same with his own and now... now he wanted more. Much more. And what he wanted he always got.

Experimentally he traced with the tip of his tongue those soft lips, causing them to part a little more, and then kissed them again, gently at first, then deeply, enjoying how they parted even more under him, allowing him to savour them more and...

A noise, more like a whimper then a moan, caught his attention, as the movements of the one under him became more marked and he regretfully ended the kiss and raised himself a bit to watch his sleeping beauty wake. The lips he had kissed parted further, the eyes squeezed shut as if fighting to remain closed and the body tensed, squirming a bit in the struggle between wakefulness and sleepiness, then relaxed again with a sigh. The older boy stared at his companion, wondering if now he would finally come awake or not and was rewarded with a delicate fluttering of the boy's eyelashes that slowly turned into a sleepy blinking.

Emerald eyes gazed straight at him and he grinned back, satisfied, like the cat that ate the canary and got away with it, which was exactly what he planned to do.

He didn't grin for long.

As soon as the teenager realized the compromising position he was in, he hurriedly tried to get up, ending up banging his head against the other's.

The younger teen fell back on the ground, rubbing his sore forehead with both his small hands while the older one moved away from him to do the same with his own.

Apparently they both had very tick skulls since neither of them reported serious damage.

"I'm sorry!" the younger boy whimpered realizing he had hurt the other. "Are you all right?" he asked then in a very concerned tone.

"I think I'll live..." the older boy replied, still rubbing his forehead. "What about you? Do you want me to kiss where it hurts and make it better?" he asked with a teasing grin from his sitting place on the Sakura covered ground. The response was quite amusing as the other boy blushed wildly and shook his head, clumsily trying to get up as fast as it could. It wasn't his day, it seemed, as his foot ended up caught in one of the Sakura's roots and he tripped back down and straight into the other teenager's arms. Time seemed to stop and the quite embarrassed younger boy wished the ground would open and swallow him. At least this time he hadn't hurt the other teenager. He babbled apologies trying to get up again, but the other boy wrapped his arms around him, keeping him captive.

"Mine!" he declared, amused, and the younger boy looked at him in confusion, blinking innocently, causing him to laugh, genuinely happy even if he didn't know exactly why. " I've got you! You're mine and mine only!" he repeated as he tightened his hold around the smaller boy who squirmed uneasily in his lap, his white Shikifuku creating an interesting contrast with the black colour of his Gakuseifuku. Black and white. Light and shadow. Ying and Yang. Two sides of a whole.

"Hum..." the younger teen said hesitantly as he blushed even more, nervously licking his lips. They felt not quite bruised but still... strange, as if something had been pressed against them a bit too hard. "I don't think this is a proper position... I mean... I'm in your lap... I mean..." he babbled, unsure.

"Stay," the older boy whispered softly, gently, in the shell of his ear, warm breath tickling against it, nuzzling affectionately against him. "Play with me, just for a while," he requested and he sounded more like a lonely child then he would have liked. The other glanced at him again from under those dark, long eyelashes, still hesitant, then relaxed, leaning into the other's warm and possessive embrace.

It felt nice to be there, so tremendously nice, the nicest thing that had even happened to him and he couldn't explain why, but all of sudden a strange anxiousness hit him and he wrapped his arms tightly around the older boy, as if fearing that the comforting sensations could be ripped away from him at any moment and he would never have them back.

The other tightened his hold as well and they clung to each other, nuzzling slightly, like scared children. There was no one else there besides them. They were alone, so alone that it hurt and they could find comfort only in each other.

The older boy however grew quickly bored with just cuddling and nuzzling and so he started kissing and nipping the younger boy's neck slowly. The smaller teenager pulled away when his brain registered what the other was doing. He stared at his taller companion with wide, green eyes, flushing such a deep shade of red he reminded the other of a cherry and the thought was strangely pleasing for the older boy.

"What... what are you..." the boy stammered unable to put his feelings in words. It hadn't been unpleasant, quite the contrary, it was just... just...

"Loving you," the other responded, then, grinning mischievously, he pulled him close suddenly. This caught the younger boy unprepared, causing him to end back up against the other teenager, mere centimetres away from him, their noses almost brushing one against the other. He tensed while the other's grin widened, then the older boy turned his head slightly and moved closer slowly, deliberately, and, before the younger registered how very close they were, the older boy's lips were pressed against his own in a hungry kiss. The younger teen remained frozen in place, unable to move away but unable to participate either. The other tightened his hold even more, deepening the kiss, turning it into a more heated, more passionate one and yet... yet it still didn't seem enough - on the contrary it made the older boy even more hungry, even more thirsty for his younger captive, as if he was drinking sea water - and he couldn't understand why.

He stared at the younger boy when they parted and he noticed he had flushed a deeper red but that he also looked unhappy, his eyes downcast while he was biting his lower lip as if about to cry.

"What's wrong? Didn't you like it?" he asked, feeling vaguely offended. He knew he was a good kisser, his mother had told him many times; she had personally taught him how to give the best kisses in the world, how could the younger boy not appreciate his ability?

"That's not... loving someone," the boy whimpered, hurt shining in those beautiful, green eyes. The older boy tilted his head and looked at him curiously, wondering what the other could mean.

"Then how do you love someone?" he asked.

The younger boy returned his gaze to him, the hurt in his eyes being replaced with confusion.

"You don't know?" he whispered in an almost hesitant manner, more to himself than to the other.

In reply the older boy shook his head.

"No. Show me," he requested.

The boy blinked, caught by surprise.

"Me?" he asked weakly, fear colouring his voice. "But I never..." he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence, his blush intensifying yet again.

"Don't you want to teach me how?" the older boy asked in an almost pouting manner.

"But I'm not sure I know... I mean, I never..." he babbled anxiously.

"Teach me," the other whispered moving closer to him again, his tone low and sensual.

His captive looked at him hesitantly. It was the first time anyone had treated him like this and he felt completely captivated by the older boy, hypnotised by intense golden eyes and a smooth voice that were fuelling fantasies that were not exactly pure.

"I..."

"Teach me," the older boy insisted.

Nervous green eyes stared at calm golden ones then the younger boy seemed to make a decision. His skin flushed even more as he moved closer. He closed his eyes when his lips gently touched the other's in what was just a delicate brushing. The other tried to move closer still but the younger moved back slightly, still keeping contact and yet not deepening it, and the older boy realized he had never experienced such a gentle kiss. It was a weird feeling, deadly sweetness that left him wishing madly for more. He was surprised to find himself panting when ended the kiss. He stared at the flushed boy, whose gaze was again lowered, studying him attentively and yet totally unable to understand why he had so liked what the other had done.

"More," he requested hungrily, licking his lips as if to taste the remaining flavour of the boy's lips on his. He sounded exactly like a child asking for another slice of cake, and the other seemed to flush even redder, making him wonder what shade he could reach should he be further embarrassed and unconsciously his lips curved upward in a fond smile.

"More," he asked again, hugging the younger boy close, nuzzling affectionately nuzzling the other.

Hesitantly, the younger boy moved his hands away from the older teen's shoulders, then wrapped his arms slowly around the other boy's neck. They stared at each other first, their foreheads touching and their vision blurred due to the proximity. Then the younger moved to kiss him again, still gently, still lovingly, in that maddeningly sweet manner of his, and the older tightened his hold around the younger, refusing to let him go but aware that, should he try to pull him closer, he might cause the younger boy to try to move away again, to try to push him back and cut off the kiss and that was something he absolutely didn't want to happen.

It lasted longer that time, their lips parting slightly giving to the older boy the chance to brush his tongue against the younger one's before the smaller boy pulled away again.

"Don't stop," the older almost whimpered, unable to let the other go. He still couldn't get a handle on that weird feeling the younger boy evoked in him, of that deep hunger no one else had awakened, no matter how hard he tried to rationalize it. It was a totally new experience and he just... couldn't find any explanation for it, for that need that wasn't just physical but... but deeper, a need he hadn't been aware of before, even if probably it had always been curled in a corner of him and that now was screaming full force its existence.

The younger boy leaned against him again, a bit less hesitantly, kissing him a third time, in a marginally deeper manner and they both moaned inside the kiss.

The younger boy's heart was pounding and when the other held him even closer, causing their bodies to push against each other. He moaned again, his hands unconsciously moving to tangle themselves in the older boy's hair gently, not pulling it, but still with a hint of possessiveness that had been foreign to him until then.

It was a bittersweet feeling, to love someone so much, to want someone so much and to know he couldn't have what he loved, what he wanted, what he needed and he couldn't suppress a sob. He buried his head against the older boy's shoulder when the kiss ended, knowing he couldn't have the older boy for himself but unable to let him go. He didn't complain when the other, confused by his reaction, started trailing soothing kisses and gentle caresses or at least he hoped they were soothing kisses and gentle caresses and not merely lust driven acts.

"What's wrong?" the older boy whispered in his ear in a vaguely curious tone, his hand gently petting his hair as he would the fur of a kitten. He seemed to like to pet him.

"I love you," he whimpered against his shoulder, still refusing to look at him. "I love you..."

"Why?" the older boy asked with mild interest. The younger boy turned marginally so that he could see the other boy's face from the corner of his eye.

"Because... because you are you and I am me," was his totally unhelpful reply. The older boy pondered a bit on this.

"I don't know how to love someone," he replied honestly in the end. "I don't think I know how to love or how to hate," he added with a careless shrug. "It's not like I care much about people one way or another. I like you, though. I want you. Isn't this enough?"

The younger boy looked at him, sadness and longing painfully evident in his eyes, then hugged him again, tightly, in an almost hampering his breathing, not answering his question.

The older boy frowned, not understanding the younger boy's behaviour, then dismissed it as unimportant and resumed kissing his neck. However his companion didn't seem as caught up in it, as the older would have liked. He tried kissing him in a slower, gentler manner, hoping to get some response.

"That's how you love someone? Being gentle?" he asked, trying to return the boy's attention to him and, at the same time, trying to discover if he was doing something that the younger was finding unpleasant. "Am I not being gentle enough?" he whispered seductively in the boy's ear before taking the lobe between his lips. The youth moved his head away, freeing his ear from his grasp, then buried his face further against his shoulder, his whole body tense as if he was about to start to cry.

"That's not..." he began in a trembling voice then stopped. The other groaned.

"Then how is it?" he asked, peeling the boy off him enough to catch his face and force him to look straight at him. The other submitted to his will but his eyes were amazingly sad and he didn't know what to do about them. "I know I can give you pleasure, I can give you more pleasure than anyone else," he stated then, firmly believing that he was the only one who could satisfy the younger boy, that he was the only one the younger boy could want. "You only have to tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You'll love it," he added reassuringly as if that would be enough to solve the problem.

"I..." the boy whimpered trying to turn his eyes away.

"No," the other said firmly in a tone that didn't admit discussion. "You've got to look at me," he ordered as he forced the younger to continue to look at him, his golden eyes meeting pained, frightened green ones again. "What do you want?" he repeated and the other just stared at him. "Tell me," he insisted stubbornly. "Tell me," he asked more gently when he got no response, trying to coax a reply out of the younger boy.

"Don't leave," the other begged in an almost desperate tone and he blinked in surprise at the odd request then laughed.

"I surely don't plan to," he assured. _'Not while I'm having fun at least.'_ The other boy just gazed at him.

"Don't leave. Don't leave me behind," he asked again in a more firm tone. "I don't want to stay without you," he assured.

The older boy smiled condescendingly at the younger, brushing distractedly the other's hair in an attempt to comb it better and making him even more beautiful, finding that request really cute but not giving it much importance.

"Tell me what you _'want'_ me to do," he asked again in a coaxing voice pleased by how pretty the boy in his arms looked. Such a pretty thing had to be his and he would do anything to own it. He could always throw it away later, when he would grew bored with it.

"I don't know. There's nothing else I want besides this," the younger boy explained as he hid again his face against the other. The older teen blinked again, confused. No one could wish for so little. What could be the joy in just being with someone else? People were boring. What could be the joy in just being with him? He wasn't someone of whom people should wish the company. No, that boy didn't know what he was talking about and yet... for a moment... his words had made him feel... something warm and very pleasant inside himself that he had never felt before... No, that had been just a fleeting impression; whatever the boy could say wouldn't, couldn't ever matter to him he decided, frowning, not knowing whether to be disappointed or pleased by that.

"Then I'll teach you," he stated firmly and the other turned to look at him in confusion. "I'll teach you to wish for other things besides this. I'll teach you what pleasure is and that that is all that matters," he decided stubbornly. The boy was supposed to be a teenager almost his own age and yet... yet he was still... still pure and innocent... still kind and caring... so far away from him, so cold and uncaring, and he didn't like that. It was time to taint that purity, it was time to shorten that distance. It was time to make the boy fully **_his_**. He kissed the boy again, at the beginning trying to mimic their previous kiss, than he gave up and just abandoned himself to passion. It didn't feel as good as before and it was mostly forced and one sided and that somehow made him anxious, as if there was something between them, a barrier he couldn't break. They parted and he watched the boy helplessly, he didn't want anything between them, but he didn't know how to remove whatever was the problem from his way.

The younger boy stared back at him in confusion, then he seemed to come to some understanding and so he shifted on his lap, moving to straddle him. That was better, the older boy thought as he felt the younger boy's legs circling his waist in the same manner the teen's arms were circling his neck and he wrapped his arms around that lithe form, keeping them as close as possible, their forehead resting one against the other. The younger boy looked at him hesitantly, not really sure what he should do, then, timidly, he tried to reach for him. The older boy reached back immediately and their kiss this time was a mix of love and passion, possessiveness and need and they dragged it on as long as possible. That was good, that was what he was looking for, that was more like what he wanted, and he was sure the younger boy should have wanted it to be like that as well.

He let himself fall back, dragging the boy with him and then rolled them, so he was over his smaller partner, kissing, touching, caressing, tasting, but now it was no longer exactly how he wanted it.

"Touch me," he told the other, more like a order than an invitation.

"What?" the boy stammered. From the moment he had been dragged to the ground and pushed on his back the younger teen hadn't moved, allowing the other to use his body but not really participating just clinging to him, trembling slightly as if scared. The older boy smiled at him mischievously again.

"Help me to remove my jacket," he said.

"**WHAT!**" the younger boy exclaimed reaching a new shade of red.

"Please," the other purred, stroking his body against the smaller one causing them both to moan in pleasure. The younger boy tried to babble something nervously and failed when the older nuzzled like an affectionate kitten against him repeating please over and over in an insistent manner. Then he seemed to turn even redder as he gave up the fight and his arms untangled from the older boy's shoulders, his small hands moving to undo the other teen's Gakuseifuku's buttons shakily and with great difficulty. Once he got what he wanted the older boy stopped nuzzling insistently and looked at him with a half fond, half amused gaze, absently trailing his right hand over the smaller body under him, sometimes gently, just a kind caress, sometimes more distractedly, as if to pet a mildly amusing puppy, sometimes in a quite teasing manner, studying each reaction he could get from the other boy, enjoying each intake of breath, each moan, each sigh, each flinch, each wriggle, each squirm and each whimper. When the last button was undone the edges of his jacket fell open, revealing his white shirt under it. The younger boy glanced at him uneasily, as if fearing he had done something wrong. He grinned, then carelessly removed his jacket and discarded it unceremoniously on the ground as the other looked elsewhere in embarrassment.

"Don't turn away. Not when it's getting interesting..." the older told to the younger as he gently forced the other to look at him again. Such a shy boy who was embarrassed by the mere fact he had removed his jacket... he thought, amused and delighted at the same time. He wanted to embarrass him more, to tease him more, to have him moan in pleasure and cling to him in need. He wanted... He wanted him. To own him. To posses him. In every way possible. His. The boy had to be his.

"You can undo my shirt's buttons now. Please," he said then, the last word added as an afterthought; really the sentence sounded more like a order than a request.

"I can't..." the boy whispered helplessly, uneasiness, embarrassment and fear mixing inside him as he turned his gaze away from him panting anxiously. The other grinned innocently.

"You're so cute," he commented, taking one of the boy's hand into his and nuzzling his face against it causing the boy to look back at him. "Don't worry. I won't hurt you," he added for good measure, staring at those charming, nervous, green eyes. They widened in fright.

"My hand..." he half whispered, half whimpered. The other looked at him curiously.

"What about it?" he asked, not really seeing what was wrong with it.

"The gloves... I'm not wearing them... Obaachan... the gloves... my hands..." he babbled, then snatched back his hand, and hid it with the other against himself, curling on his side and starting to tremble, his eyes dilated as if in shock. The older boy stared at him, confused. What about the gloves? And had he noticed only now he wasn't wearing them?

"Who cares about the gloves? They don't make a difference to me and you wouldn't enjoy this as much wearing them," he reasoned. The boy didn't seem to listen him.

"No one can see my hands. They're... a monstrosity... cursed... a shame... not show... never show... so sorry..."

The older boy frowned then, uncaring of the other's attempts to stop him, he grabbed one of those small hands into his, took it to his mouth and kissed its back delicately.

"They're not a monstrosity. They're pretty. They're mine. There's no shame in this," he stated in a gentle tone. The younger boy looked at him, such a desperate gaze, and for a while the older boy spent the time just murmuring soothing words to him, caressing his hair and kissing his hand, until the younger teen uncurled his smaller form and reached out for him again, wrapping his body back around him, hiding against him, because, right then, the older teenager was the only thing that mattered to the younger one. The other teen continued to murmur soothing words and to trail gentle caresses as he worked to free the boy from the upper part of his Shikifuku. The younger boy didn't offer his help but he didn't really resist either, obediently submitting to the other's will as long as he was allowed to be next to him, as long as the other was willing to comfort him.

The taller teen buried his head against the smaller boy's chest as he managed to expose it, kissing, lapping, nipping and caressing naked skin that no one else had touched, fighting to control his hunger for the boy and to keep his touches gentle so as not to scare him, only please him, soon causing the youth to forget his distress in the face of pleasurable feelings the older boy was causing him to have, and that he had never savoured before. The older boy enjoyed the sight of the smaller moaning and squirming under him as he explored his body then he moaned as well when one of the younger boy's hand tangled in his hair, keeping him close, while the other went to stroke his back. He raised himself a bit, ignoring the timid complaint of his companion, and caught the other's hands in his own, guiding them back to his own shirt, as if to exhort the boy to free him from it. The boy didn't resist and, with a bit of help from his side, the embarrassed teenager managed to unlatch all the button. Once done the older boy immediately sent his shirt and undershirt to join his jacket on the ground. The other boy's blush returned full force as he caught sight of his naked chest, and the older boy grinned.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" he asked teasingly and the other seemed to flush further. "I think you are," he stated without waiting for the other's reply, catching the other's hand and resting it against his chest.

"Touch me," he ordered. "Don't be afraid. I don't bite..." he said more gently at his shy companion. "I don't bite... unless you ask me to," he added, grinning. The younger boy tried to pull his hand back at first, but the older didn't let it go and so, once he realized insisting was a waste of time, the shy teenager slid his hand hesitantly over the other's chest. The older boy's chest was larger than his and so were his shoulders, giving an impression of strength and power that his smaller body would never manage. It might have been threatening, but at that moment it felt reassuring. The other wouldn't let any harm come to him. He froze as the older boy resumed touching and kissing him, and it was only after the other's request that he continued his shy exploration of the other's body. Touches and kisses and the way their bodies rubbed against each other were building something inside him, something he never felt before, and, slowly, he lost track of their actions and started concentrating only on sensations. He didn't really realize when the other boy undressed or when he finished undressing him, so that the only part of his body still covered were his arms, still in his Shikifuku's sleeves. He arched into the other's touch, making the oddest noises of pleasure not even aware he was doing them, trying to hold the older boy as close as possible, but still careful to keep his hold around him not too tight.

He became aware of things again when he felt a sharp pain as the other penetrated him, and he immediately bit his lower lip, suppressing a scream of pain and turning it into a mere hiss as his whole body tensed in reaction.

The older boy hissed as well, realizing exactly why, when having sex with a man, it was smart to use lubricant. He had been an idiot not to think of it, but, since all his previous experiences with sex had been with a woman, namely his mother, he just... didn't bother to consider it important, believing it was something tough boys like him didn't need. He swore to himself he would not make this mistake twice.

He looked down at his younger partner as he caught his breath. Actually they were both fighting to control their breathing but the younger boy was also biting his lower lip hard, trying to suppress his pain. The youth hadn't screamed as he was taken but he looked pretty miserable and, considering how naively he had behaved before, maybe he had no idea about what they had been doing or that it would hurt. It was probably his first time and his small body was likely not used to this. Yet he wasn't crying even if his eyes were more lucid then they should be and his body was trembling slightly as he clung tightly to him, looking silently at him in a desperate request for help and the older boy realized that maybe he should have also bothered to prepare the younger boy and to go in a little more... gently. He just... hadn't bothered to think, had wanted the other and had taken what he wanted. Besides, despite her frail look, his mother had always favoured roughness to kindness.

He leaned his forehead against the other youth's, caressing his ebony hair gently, soothingly, as he waited for them both to adjust to their situation.

"Sorry," he also said in a sympathetic tone. "I should have been more delicate, but it's supposed to stop hurting soon..." The younger boy just looked at him, unshed tears shining in his eyes. "Hold on to me, okay? It'll get better and I won't leave," he added trying to sound reassuring. The smaller teen forced his tense muscles to move and wrapped his arms and legs more securely around the other teenager, sniffling slightly, while the other murmured reassuring nonsense.

After a while the older boy tried to move again. The younger boy tensed and made a small, whimpering sound of pain as he clung to him tighter. He didn't look like he was enjoying this much. According to what the older boy knew about sex with males, it was all a matter of finding the right spot... and maybe it would help if he was slow and gentle. After all, that the boy wasn't his mother and apparently he liked different things.

For a while the whole matter remained awkward and messy, causing the younger boy only pain, then the older boy finally got the hang of it and they both started enjoying the act. It was really too bad that soon after they both started to really like it, it ended, leaving them panting, drowsy, covered in sweat and slightly sore as they clung to each other on the Sakura covered ground. More petals kept falling on them, so many they were almost creating a blanket over them. Golden eyes stared silently at green, lucid ones for a while, and then the older boy grinned satisfied while the younger smiled timidly before nuzzling closer to the other, burying his face against the older boy's chest in such a loving, affectionate manner that the older boy's grin widened even further. Was it this what one felt when loved, loved unconditionally, without being asked for anything in return?

It was... nice... warm and sweet and definitely good. Absently, he pet his companion, as if to praise him for his performance.

"Sorry about not having been very... delicate in the beginning," he said in a not really apologetic tone, more a polite act that anything else. The other boy squirmed closer to him.

"I don't care. As long as I'm with you I don't care," he answered affectionately, dismissing the pain he had felt and that still lingered in him as unimportant, and the other frowned not really understanding how the boy could be so forgiving. He caressed the boy's back gently, enjoying the smoothness of his skin and felt him moaning and squirming even closer.

"I love you," the younger boy whispered sleepily, yet in his voice was clearly audible the depths of his feelings and their absolute honesty. "My life has no sense without you. If we can't be together, if this is just a dream, I don't want to wake up ever again," he stated before slipping back into sleep. The older boy yawned, tempted to follow his example when the younger boy's words echoed back in his mind.

* * *

_'My life has no sense without you. If we can't be together, if that's just a dream, I don't want to wake up ever again. I don't want to wake up ever again... I don't want to... I...'_

* * *

"Hey," he said immediately, calling the younger boy and shaking his shoulder rudely. The youth didn't answer. The older boy sat up immediately and shook roughly the younger body in his arms. No reaction. The teen was still breathing but except for that... he could have been dead.

He called.

He shook him even more violently.

He even hit him, but he never got an answer.

The boy wouldn't wake up ever again. He wouldn't wake up. He wouldn't...

* * *

Sakurazuka Seishiro sat up panting. It didn't take him long to realize it had been only a stupid bad dream. He trailed his hand thought his hair as his mind went back to it. It was nothing important really.

So he had dreamt he was a teenager again and had wonderful, hot sex. Well, it wasn't the first time he had a wet dream and he hoped it wouldn't be the last. He was still young enough to have certain fantasies.

So he had quite enjoyed it. Well, sweet dreams were made for this.

So his _'bed partner_' had been Subaru-kun. Well, he would never deny the boy was damn attractive with and without a Shikifuku. Especially without a Shikifuku.

So there was a bit of truth in it, since Subaru-kun was asleep, even if the technical term was _'within'_. Well, it wasn't like he cared for the boy. He had purposely broke his arm and his heart in hope to get a reaction from him and if that was Subaru-kun's reply... well, who cared?

So it could have been a prophetic dream. He was an Onmyouji, he had spiritual power and he could have them. It could be true that Subaru-kun would never wake up again but that wasn't something that mattered to him, did it? Did it, he asked again to himself in mild annoyance when his mind didn't provide an answer fast enough. No, of course he didn't care if Subaru-kun wouldn't wake up ever again. He didn't care, he didn't care, he didn't care...

He rudely ordered his mind to shut up and stretched his arm toward the bedside table to retrieve a Mild Seven and his lighter.(4)

Shortly after he was staring at the smoke rising artistically from the tip of his cigarette as nicotine filed his lungs, trying to order thoughts that at the moment seemed as impalpable as the smoke itself.

It wasn't the same to stare at things with just one eye and he was grateful his injury had healed enough to allow him to remove those annoying, itching bandages at least. He tried to not mind it much. He knew he would get used to it soon.

Yet... he had no regrets.

He always did what he wanted. That time too. No one was allowed to touch what was rightfully his, and it had been just that which had pushed him to do such a foolish thing, hadn't it?

Subaru-kun was his and that woman wasn't allowed to harm him.

He saw the boy again as he had seen him in his dream, sleeping innocently in a bed of Sakura petals, his lithe body wrapped in his white Shikifuku; an ethereal, impalpable image of beauty and purity.

Something he owned. Something he owned and yet couldn't touch.

The boy was out of his reach now. Trapped inside himself he couldn't be touched by Seishiro, no matter what, and that was...

He took a deep drag from his cigarette, filling his lungs with nicotine, then exhaled slowly forcing himself to ignore that weird feeling of being abandoned and left behind. Subaru-kun didn't matter to him.

Subaru-kun might never wake up, never wake up...

* * *

_'I love you. My life has no sense without you. If we can't be together, if this is just a dream, I don't want to wake up ever again.'_

* * *

Stupid, romantic words his dream had made up or... or a prophecy as well?

No, that wouldn't make sense, why should he... not after what he did... and it wasn't like he cared...

He didn't care. He was firmly sure of that. He just wasn't capable of caring for another.

However... he couldn't return to sleep. And a walk wouldn't hurt him. And if, during it, he happened to check on the well being of his prey... well, who cared?

* * *

Soon Seishiro was quietly entering Subaru-kun's bedroom. The boy's flat was on the last floor of the building and the fact that Seishiro got in the boy's room from the window... well the balcony's door actually, reminded him of those childish tales his mother was so fond of, in which the prince climbed the tower to save the princess from her cruel kidnappers or from some monster.

However he was forced to admit that what he was doing that night wasn't nearly as difficult and exciting as what those princes did in those tales. He had got inside with no troubles at all.

For all their talks about feelings and caring the Sumeragi, Seishiro decided, didn't give a damn about their KaChou. They had left the boy alone, unguarded and defenceless again, as they had the first time he and Subaru-kun met. That pitiful Kekkai they had set up didn't count. It couldn't possibly stop him from getting inside and they had to know it, not to mention it wasn't really nice to leave the boy alone in the state he was. Subaru-kun seemed to be the only one capable of truly caring about others in the whole family. Maybe Hokuto-chan too, but not to the same extent as her brother. Only his Subaru-kun was capable of feeling so much, of caring so much.

Only his Subaru-kun who was now laying in his bed, as still as death, his eyes closed as if he was asleep.(5) Seishiro knew he wasn't. He felt a sense of déjà vu as he studied the boy's sleeping form, now clad in white pyjamas and not in white Shikifuku. He stared at the beautiful yet paler than usual face, at those features thinner than he remembered. Subaru-kun had never eaten properly but in this state he was doing even worse. The arm that Seishiro had broken while they were in his Maboroshi had been taken care of and now was laying on the cover, all wrapped in bandages.(6) They would have done better plastering it, Seishiro mused. It should still hurt even if, in that state, Subaru-kun couldn't be aware of it. He wondered if they had given him painkillers anyway, or had they left him without since in his condition the boy was unaware of physical pain. He sat on the bed and gently stroked Subaru-kun's fine, dark hair. It was soft, as soft as he remembered, as soft as it had been in his dream. His hand trailed down to touch a smooth cheek. He poked it, getting no reaction at all, not even a moan.

A doll, that was what Subaru-kun was right then, a beautiful doll. Seishiro might try to play with it but it would never play back.

They were together again but, with Subaru-kun in that state, there wasn't much difference from being alone.

His hand trailed lower, on Subaru-kun's neck, as it had done so many times. So easy to crush that neck in his hands. Even easier to kiss it.

No one was guarding the boy. He might undress him, take him and turn into reality what had happened in his dream. And yet... it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be the same since Subaru-kun wouldn't be aware of any of it and having him like that... would give him no satisfaction at all.

No, he couldn't have Subaru-kun like that.

But he couldn't wake Subaru-kun either.

Surely the Sumeragi had tried already all that was humanly possible to wake him up, and going within someone was their speciality. If they hadn't managed to wake Subaru-kun up, what could he do that they hadn't tried already?

Oh well, he told himself grinning, actually there was something he could do they surely hadn't tried.

It was childish, really, but it had worked in his dream... and anyway it was a good excuse for what he was about to do. Not that he needed excuses, he reminded himself grinning even more widely.

"Time to wake up, sleeping beauty," he whispered as he bent down on the boy and then kissed him, slowly, gently but fully because, why in the world should he merely brush his lips against Subaru-kun's when he knew perfectly well that he wanted to do much more than just that?

Subaru-kun was his, after all, and no one would be able to stop him from taking what was his. Not even Subaru-kun.

He didn't really expect Subaru-kun to wake up, but he wasn't really shocked when he felt the boy's lips parting and his body squirming minutely under him.

He raised himself a bit and smiled gently as he stared at Subaru-kun as the boy slowly came awake exactly as he had done in his dream.

So maybe it had been prophetic. Not that it mattered that much.

However the real Subaru-kun proved himself to be different from the one from the dream when, instead than trying to sit up when he saw Seishiro, he tried to scramble away, releasing a pained hiss when he attempted to use his injured arm, backing up against the wall, trapped between it and Seishiro. Seishiro didn't mind. He had expected this even if what he saw in Subaru-kun's eyes wasn't exactly what he had supposed he would see. He had believed there would have been fear in them; instead he saw only pain. And it wasn't of the physical type. He smiled amiably at him anyway.

"Good evening, Subaru-kun," he said smoothly as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't stepped on the boy's feelings and body like they were nothing. Well, his tone was a tad different than he had used with the boy previously. A bit less kind and a bit more sensual. It wasn't a courtesy visit after all.

"Sei... Seishiro-san?" the boy babbled hesitantly and Seishiro was sure that Subaru-kun wanted to cry. Only the boy didn't allow himself that luxury and simply stared at him, green eyes filled with never-ending pain. Yes, there was lot of pain, but no fear and no hate in them and that confused Seishiro.

"Aren't you afraid of me, Subaru-kun?" he asked, trailing his hand through Subaru-kun's hair slowly with an infuriating kindness that only seemed to sadden the boy more. And Subaru-kun was truly beautiful when he was that desperate but Seishiro hadn't come there to just watch him being sad. He wanted to get something from the boy, even if he didn't exactly know what. But Subaru-kun was merely staring at him without replying, biting his lower lip, his gaze so intense Seishiro had the impression he could drown in it. Was the boy too looking for something? "Subaru-kun, say something. It's kind of boring if you just stare at me," he complained, still smiling charmingly at him. "Or are you thinking of how sexy I am at this hour?" he asked teasingly, moving closer to the boy so that they were only almost a breath away. Subaru-kun didn't reply, not even with a blush.

For a while they just stared at each other as a long silence stretched between them. Seishiro grew quickly bored of it and, assuming that the boy would never bother to reply to him, contented himself with taking Subaru-kun's right hand carefully into his, mindful of the injured state of his arm and drawing it to his lips to kiss it, pleased to find the boy wasn't wearing those stupid gloves. Soft, he mused as he let his lips wander on it, the boy's skin was so soft and that small hand so beautiful and delicate that he...

"I love you," the boy said quietly all of sudden and Seishiro blinked, completely caught on surprise, not really sure if he had heard it right or if it had just been an echo of the dream he had before.

"Come again?" he asked staring at Subaru-kun with an honest expression of surprise.

"I love you," Subaru-kun repeated. There was a hint of embarrassment in his voice, in the manner he was keeping his head slightly lowered, but it was mostly obscured by pain. There was no hope in his voice; it sounded like the last confession of a man who was about to die, and Seishiro couldn't understand why the boy had told him that. He smiled carelessly anyway.

"Is this your way to try to persuade me to not kill you?" he asked in an amused tone even if in truth he didn't feel amused at all, just confused, but he had learned long ago to never show his weakness to anyone and Subaru-kun wasn't an exception.

Subaru-kun shook his head.

"Just... just something I wanted to tell you before dying," he explained in the same quiet tone, laced with pain but very determined, he had used before, and Seishiro knew the boy couldn't be lying because Subaru-kun just didn't know the art of it. The boy was prepared to die by his hands, and he really wanted him only to know it before killing him. Yet Seishiro couldn't figure out why. Unless...

"Do you think it'll matter to me?" he asked then, feeling slightly annoyed, tightening painfully his hold on Subaru-kun's hand. Subaru-kun shouldn't dare to think his words might affect him. The boy suppressed a whimper, but he didn't cry out, as he hadn't when he had broken his arm, and simply turned his head away.(7) Seishiro thought he would cry, but still Subaru-kun didn't let tears fall. Seishiro wondered why.

"No. It matters to me only. I'm sorry. It was an egoistic thing to say," Subaru-kun replied calmly. Seishiro sighed, deciding that sometimes Subaru-kun's behaviour was beyond his comprehension. What was he hoping to get from telling him something that he knew wouldn't affect him?

"I don't love you, Subaru-kun. I don't hate you either. I just... don't care," he reminded him, repeating to the boy what he had told him in his Maboroshi that day.

"I know..." Subaru-kun said simply, turning to look at him.

"So why do you love me?" Seishiro asked, feeling slightly frustrated. Why should he love him? Why should he care? Who would care for a person that had hurt him?

"Because you are you and I am me," the boy answered quietly in an absolutely firm tone.

In his dream Subaru-kun had said the same. It was a really unhelpful answer and yet... it was somehow total and definitive, as if to imply Subaru-kun had been born to simply love him no matter what. Seishiro placed his hand on Subaru-kun's cheek gently, stroking the boy's smooth skin with his thumb but at the same time making sure the boy wouldn't be able to turn his eyes away from him.

"You know, tonight, in a dream I had before coming here, you told me that. You told me that and then we had sex. Quite good sex by the way," he commented, and he was amused to notice how this managed to embarrass Subaru-kun, even if not at much as he wanted since he didn't get him to blush. The boy tried to turn his face away, but Seishiro held him firmly, stopping him from doing so. "But it was just sex, Subaru-kun, not love," he continued in a patient tone, as if he was explaining something to a not very bright child. "You're just the equivalent of an object to me, an object I own. I'll admit you're a beautiful object, maybe my favourite possession, but you're just that. Nothing more. I might kill you and feel nothing or... or I might steal you and keep you captive for the rest of your life, using you as a sex toy and still not care at all about you," he offered sounding as though the two options made no difference to him. "So, what are you going to do about it, Subaru-kun? Would you like me to kill you? Or would you like me to kidnap you? Strip you from your family and your title, never let you free to go where you want, to do what you want, letting me fuck you without ever caring for you?" he asked not really expecting Subaru-kun to take it into consideration. No one wanted to die, but Subaru-kun had been trained by the Sumeragi to keep up the pride of his family. Death should be preferable to him than being the Sakurazukamori's slave. And yet...

"But would you let me stay with you then? Will you?" the boy asked immediately, without even pausing to think, as if that was all that mattered to him, to be with him, not that to do so he would lose his freedom, his family and his honour, all for a man who didn't care about him.

Such a foolish thing to want and yet so Subaru-kun-like...

* * *

_'What do you want?' _

_'Don't leave.' _

_'I surely don't plan to.' _

_'Don't leave. Don't leave me behind. I don't want to stay without you.' _

_'Tell me what you 'want' me to do.' _

_'I don't know. There's nothing else I want besides this...'_

* * *

Silly, naïve, innocent, beautiful Subaru-kun... The only one in the world capable of a love so pure and disinterested for such a dark creature as himself...

"Yes, I'll let you stay with me," he agreed. "But I'll kill you if you'll try to escape afterward," he informed him in a very firm tone, looking serious for once.

"Then it's okay," Subaru-kun answered and Seishiro just stared at him before bending down a little and kissing him, catching him completely by surprise. Subaru-kun didn't answer the kiss, too stunned for it, but he didn't pull back either, and when they parted Seishiro was amused to notice Subaru-kun was finally blushing his normal shade of dark red, his green eyes open wide and his lips still slightly parted. Subaru-kun was tremendously cute when he flushed like that.

"I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into, Subaru-kun," Seishiro stated with a grin. Subaru-kun stared at him, blinking in utter confusion, then he seemed to recover as he lowered his head a bit in embarrassment, peering at him from under his long eyelashes, but there was an odd sort of quiet in him as well, a quiet that hadn't been there before and that softened his pain.

"I don't think I know either," Subaru-kun admitted as he looked down but there was a small smile on his lips, tinged with some lingering pain and yet deadly sweet. "But... only you are special to me, and I want to be with you," he added in such a low tone Seishiro barely heard it. Probably it wasn't even meant to be heard.

Seishiro didn't bother to think about the implication of it as he quickly pulled the covers away from Subaru-kun's body. The boy gasped and flushed some more in embarrassment as he unconsciously curled in on himself. Seishiro grinned mischievously at him and then picked him up into his arms, delicately, mindful of Subaru-kun's broken arm. He hadn't missed all those tiny little signs that the boy hadn't been able to hide and that clearly indicated that his arm still hurt, despite Subaru-kun's efforts to bear it stoically. The boy needed a painkiller and, at least, a better bandage. Since he was going to keep the boy he would make sure he was always in his best condition, at least until he got bored with him. Once the boy was in his arms Seishiro noticed he weighed almost nothing and also made a mental note to make sure to feed him abundantly in coming days. A too thin lover wasn't exactly appealing.

"It's time to leave your old life, Subaru-kun," he announced, grinning down at the boy.

Subaru squirmed uneasily, blushing even more in embarrassment. Not only was Seishiro-san carrying him in his arms but also Subaru was wearing only thin pyjamas and this, combined with the way Seishiro-san was looking at him, made him feel almost as if he was naked under his gaze and he wrapped his arms shyly around himself in a pitiful attempt to cover his form.

"Subaru-kun... you should wrap your arms around my neck now," Seishiro suggested in a purring tone as he saw him doing so, truly enjoying the sight of Subaru-kun's increasing embarrassment as he gave him a nervous glance that seemed to say the boy had no idea whether to take him seriously or not. It was kind of similar to old times, and yet different. He didn't have to fake kindness, and whatever consideration he offered the boy that night had a practical purpose.

"Do it, Subaru-kun," he ordered in a still sensual voice, curious to see if the boy would obey the Sakurazukamori, and let him carry him away from what had been his world until then. Subaru-kun just looked at him anxiously, then, hesitantly, did as Seishiro requested, nestling close to him and tentatively nuzzling against him as he rested his head on the man's shoulder. Such an innocent affection was almost touching, Seishiro thought as he kissed the boy's forehead causing the boy's blush to deepen, but winning a tiny smile from him as well.

His.

All his.

Fully in his hands.

He would own Subaru-kun in all ways possible and never again share him with a single soul, and that gave him a strong sense of satisfaction, as if he had finally found what he was looking for. Pleased, he walked away, carrying with him his most precious possession.

* * *

**_"Sweet dreams are made of this  
Who am I to disagree?  
Travel the world and the seven seas  
Everybody's looking for something  
Some of them want to use you  
Some of them want to get used by you  
Some of them want to abuse you  
Some of them want to be abused."  
(Eurythmics - "Sweet Dreams")_**

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. I know, I know, Seishiro's Gakuseifuku in the **'Tokyo Babylon'** OAV is grey and in the **'Tokyo Babylon'** manga it seems lighter then black. I kept it black because it contrast nicely with Subaru's white Shikifuku and in the **'X'** manga and anime it was black.

2. This scene and the previous came from **'Tokyo Babylon'** Vol. 1. I only added a couple of quotes to Subaru's thoughts in the end.

3. In **'Tokyo Babylon'** Vol. 4 **'Save B'** Seishiro let his hands wander on Subaru's neck while the boy was asleep.

4. Seishiro is a _'Mild Seven'_ smoker.

5. Okay, so in **'Tokyo Babylon'** Subaru's eyes are always showed open while he is within but Mitsuki could keep them closed so I assume Subaru could have kept them close at times.

6. Yes in **'Tokyo Babylon'** Subaru's broken arm is only wrapped in bandages, not plastered. I've no idea if that is a CLAMP's error or Subaru's type of fracture couldn't be plastered. It healed just fine anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.

7. When Seishiro had broken Subaru's arm and beaten him up Subaru hadn't cried out (differently from Kamui who did so quite loudly when Fuma hit him).

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
The idea for this born from **'Tokyo Babylon'** Vol. 1 **'Destiny'**, especially from the scene of Subaru sleeping in his Shikifuku while Sakura blossoms fall on him.  
It was a pain to never mention who was who in the first part. I hope it was obvious they were a seventeen Subaru and an eighteen Seishiro. Their names are never mentioned because well... to them they're unnecessary and because right then they aren't Sumeragi Subaru and Sakurazuka Seishiro but just two teenagers who want each other.  
No, they aren't both teenager just because it was cute to see them _'interacting'_ while they were at that age. Seishiro is about to turn eighteen because that's the age in which he started to want Subaru (Seishiro is born in November. I assume their meeting was before November but after February so Subaru was already nine while Seishiro still had to turn eighteen). Subaru is seventeen because, even if he liked Seishiro right from the beginning he became aware of the meaning of his liking at that age (I assume their second meeting didn't happen on January the 1st so I consider the **'Tokyo Babylon'** storyline moving on the last half of 1990 and the first half of 1991. Since Subaru is born in February the 19th 1974 by the end of **'Tokyo Babylon'** he should have been seventeen.).  
When Seishiro asked Subaru to show him how you love someone and Subaru answered kissing him I wasn't trying to say that love equal sex. That was Seishiro's dream. His vision influenced it.  
Also I know that Subaru forgived pretty quickly Seishiro but the man hadn't killed yet his sister and Subaru is a forgiving person in love.  
And no, I've not idea if you can get out from _'within'_ with just a kiss but since it's your choice to go within it might be your choice to wake up as well.  
I know, in the end Subaru is more quiet than in **'Tokyo Babylon'** but I assumed that, after what had happened to him part of his normal behaviour would be lost due to his desperation.  
Is Seishiro in love with Subaru in this fic? If you could ask him he would simply say he wants to own him. Of course that's just Seishiro's interpretation of his feelings... you can pick another one...

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Gakuseifuku:** Student Uniform  
**KaChou:** Family Head  
**Kekkai:** Shield  
**Maboroshi:** Illusion  
**Obaachan:** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakura:** "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Shikifuku:** Ceremonial Robe

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	2. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking F

**Title: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**. It contain some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, some lemon, a bit of sappiness...  
**Notes:** Sequel of **'Everybody Is Looking For Something'**.  
**Warning over notes:** This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes **_AFTER_** you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.  
**Disclaimer:** **"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?  
**Thanks:** To **Jennifer** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Everything started simply enough with a bet between a teenager and a child. Right then none of the two knew in what they had involved themselves or how it would change their lives..._

* * *

**_"Io starò con te  
Sia insieme a te  
Sia senza te.  
Tu, tu mai sarai  
Ne senza me ne insieme a me."  
("I will stay with you  
Either with you  
Or without you.  
You, you will never stay  
Neither without me nor with me.")  
(Claudio Baglioni - "Domani Mai")_**

The teenager lay on his back, trying to sleep on the Sakura petal covered ground, the tree partially shading him, protecting him from the intense light of the sun. He didn't remember the place having ever been so... bright... and was grateful for the darkness the Sakura provided.

He wouldn't mind some rest.

He had just had a rough, boring day. He wasn't eighteen yet and here he was, balancing work and his school life, trying to do well in both and finding them both tremendously unsatisfying.

He hadn't slept the night before due to a job; he had been forced to attend to a test in the morning; he had a long, almost exhausting training session with the basket club due to an insane coach in the afternoon, and now he would really like to sleep. And the damned sun had to shine so brightly, as if it had something to celebrate. And the Sakura just wasn't providing him enough darkness, he mused, definitely not pleased, as he covered his eyes with his left arm. Marginally better, but still not good enough. Nothing seemed good enough that day. There was something... something he needed really badly... only he had no idea what it was... or how he could get it, so he could only remain there and sulk as he tried unsuccessfully to sleep.

It was then he heard the soft sound of footsteps on the grass coming closer and, shortly after, someone cast a shadow over him that made the place mercifully darker.

He remained still, apparently asleep and defenceless, but, in truth, he was ready to destroy with a single spell whoever or whatever should dare to threaten him.

"What are you doing?" a young, familiar voice asked him in a low tone, almost a whisper, so to not wake him should he really be asleep. He relaxed, moved his arm away from his eyes and opened one of them lazily to see his young guest in white Shikifuku looking down at him with a curious expression and a gentle smile on those lovely lips he liked so much to kiss.

"I'm trying to sleep," he replied with a hint of annoyance and saw the boy immediately blush cutely and babble apologies about not meaning to bother him as he fumbled with his hands nervously. Adorable. He waved his apologies off distractedly and his companion fell silent, eyes lowered and a mortified expression on his face. "What are you doing here?" he asked him then with a bit of curiosity, raising himself on his elbows, his dark fringe falling back over his golden eyes, partially obscuring them. He hadn't expected the other boy to return. Why had he returned? Did he want more of what he gave him the last time? He wouldn't mind to provide him that, really, but the boy would have to wait. He was too tired at the moment to indulge the other.

The boy sat next to him wrapping his arms around his bent knees, looking very cute and defenceless, curled on himself like that. Tasty also. Very, very tasty, he mused, tempted to lick his lips. Maybe he wasn't that tired...

"I wanted to be with you," the younger boy replied without hesitation in a quiet yet secure tone, smiling softly to him, his cheeks a fair shade of pink that reminded him of Sakura blossoms. Lovely. Then the boy's gaze dropped and his smile saddened. "But I didn't mean to bother you. I'm really sorry," he apologized, hiding his head in his arms.

The older boy frowned. He didn't want those delicious features to be hidden from his gaze, it was a waste, and so he pounced on him, sending him to the ground with a startled yelp, and then, lazily, he draped himself over the younger boy, grinning, satisfied, like a feline would do with its captured prey.

The younger boy's green eyes were open wide in surprise from his action and he was blushing wildly and staring nervously at his captor, moving his mouth in an attempt to say something yet unable to articulate a single word.

"Never mind. I like to have you **_here_**, all for me," the teenager assured with a confident grin, underling the word _'here'_ and causing the younger boy to blush even more as he nuzzled affectionately against him like an oversized cat in search of affection. He wouldn't mind taking the younger boy again, but... "It's just I'm tired," he said in a childish, pouting tone. "So tired," he complained, snuggling more against the other, as if in search of... he didn't know exactly what, but the younger boy was so warm and soft... he seemed like the perfect pillow. "I hate daytime," he stated, resting his head against the other boy's chest, hearing the other's heart beating at a fast pace under his ear and finding it strangely... lulling. "I can't sleep during daytime and this stupid sun..." he trailed off and snuggled against the boy again, still searching for some form of comfort and solace.

"I like the sun," the younger boy announced, wrapping his arms around him almost protectively, and caressing his hair in a soothing, affectionate manner that caused him to purr in pleasure and snuggle again, making the younger boy giggle. "The sun allows us to see everything better and makes the world looks even more alive and beautiful. I really like it," the boy explained then.

"I don't want to see everything better," the older teenager complained, pouting again and burying his head against the younger boy's chest. "I want to sleep. And I don't care to see whether the world is now more beautiful than it is when it's night. I want to sleep! I want night to be here now!"

The younger teenager smiled fondly at him, and did not even consider complaining about how childishly he was behaving, then rolled them both so that they lay on their sides. Strangely enough, the shadow his small body projected kept the other teenager's face in the dark much better than the shadow of the tree. The older teenager sighed in relief as he was finally freed from the annoying presence of all that light and snuggled closer, burying his face against the younger boy's chest.

"Then you'll sleep and I'll watch the world for you, and, when you wake up, I'll tell you what I saw, so it'll be like you saw it too," the younger boy offered, still smiling at him in that gentle manner only he had.

The older boy looked at him suspiciously.

"Why would you do that for me?" he asked. No one ever did anything for him without asking something in return. That was how the world worked. Everyone was always thinking of his own gain. There was no way this teenager could be different.

"Because I love you and everything that makes you happy, makes me happy too," the youth replied with that loving smile no one else had even given him, and such honesty in his voice it was impossible not to believe him. Such an odd teenager... but he was all his, and that felt good, the older teenager thought as he returned to snuggle against him.

"Then you'll always be welcome here. And when it's night we'll watch the world together and I'll show you it's still interesting even without all this... light. And we'll... _'play'_ together all the time. I'll teach you such interesting new games... you'll love them," he offered, his voice drowsy as sleepiness started to possess him.

"The world is scary at night... and sad... and lonely... and no one seems to care... and I..." the younger boy whimpered, holding him a bit tighter, as if afraid someone would try to part them. "I..."

"I'll keep you safe," the other boy promised carelessly, reassuringly tightening his hold around that small frame. "And if you really don't feel like watching the world at night sometimes, I'll let you rest and I'll guard your sleep so no one will bother you. You won't have to see what you don't like, what you don't want to see."

"But I want to see what you see..." the boy complained weakly.

"Then I'll show you," the older boy replied, his tone growing a bit annoyed as he yawned. "Now be nice and let me sleep," he ordered.

"If that's what you wish..." the younger boy replied, holding him close and caressing his hair soothingly. The older boy didn't have the time to answer as he immediately fell asleep.

* * *

In the real world, much to his disappointment, Seishiro came awake instead, and found himself gazing at Subaru-kun's sleeping form curled next to him. Pretty, he mused as he sat up and searched for his cigarette pack on the bedside table, wondering what he was supposed to do with the boy and why his dreams were getting that so strange of late.

It all had started three nights ago when he had had a weird dream and, consequently, he had gone to Subaru-kun's apartment, kidnapped the young Sumeragi no Chou and carried him to his home in the outskirt of Tokyo,(1) which was the most irrational thing he had ever done - after making a bet with, rather than killing, a lovely child who managed to enter his Maboroshi, losing his right eye protecting the same child who had, by then, grown into quite a good looking boy, and still not killing the aforementioned youth after the bet ended. And now said teen was sleeping quietly next to him, wearing only one of Seishiro's pyjama shirts and a pair of white cotton underwear, and looking like the most adorable and delicious thing Seishiro could ever hope to put his hands on.

He wondered if there was a reason for the fact that each senseless act he did was connected to Subaru-kun and, if there was, what it could be. Surely the boy's cuteness wasn't enough to justify all those actions.

As if sensing his thoughts, Subaru-kun squirmed closer to him with a pained noise and Seishiro absently petted his fine hair to soothe him. Subaru-kun smiled softly in his sleep at the gentle touch, the beauty of that smile pleasing Seishiro's appreciation of pretty things and causing him to unconsciously smile back.

That smile didn't last long.

Kidnapping Subaru-kun had been a stupid idea.

Kidnapping Subaru-kun and not bothering to cover him up before carrying him out in the open, exposing him to the cold of Tokyo's night in just pyjamas had been the most idiotic thing he could do.(2)

He knew Subaru-kun had never been healthy to begin with, and, in that moment, he must have been even weaker than he usually was, so... what had he been thinking? Completely inappropriate thoughts, that was what he had been thinking, he admitted to himself with a slight smirk at the memory of holding the boy in his arms, of his warmth and softness and pliancy. Yes, those had been completely inappropriate thoughts, inappropriate thoughts that he had yet to try to turn into reality.

He frowned, turning his gaze away to glare at the darkness of his room, then exhaled the smoke he had inhaled with a sigh and returned his gaze to Subaru-kun.

When they had reached his home he had been tired. Subaru-kun's apartment in Shinjuku, Kabuki-Cho, wasn't exactly close to his house in the outskirt of Tokyo and going back and forth, the second time holding Subaru-kun in his arms, and with less than half a night of sleep, hadn't been exactly restful and, after all, he had left the hospital only a couple of weeks ago.(3)

So, in order to not spoil the delicious theft of Subaru-kun's virginity, he had decided to wait to taste the boy until after he had rested. Subaru-kun had been embarrassed at the idea of sleeping next to him, but he hadn't exactly complained and had squirmed quite easily into his embrace, seeking his warmth. He should have been suspicious of the boy's continuous trembling but he had taken it for fear or nervousness due to Subaru-kun's excessive shyness and nothing more. He was much to interested in the feeling of Subaru-kun in his arms as he slept to pay attention to Subaru-kun's actual condition.

When Seishiro had been a kid his mother had gifted him with an expensive pig-looking plushie, expecting him to sleep with it, despite the fact he was already nine. Seishiro had glanced at the thing feeling not charmed at all by the idea of sharing his bed with it, and had patiently given it a try just to please his mother like any good son should do, then he had decided that sleeping hugging something wasn't his thing.(4) He might still have that particular plushie somewhere around the house. He wondered if Subaru-kun would like to have it.

Anyway, when his mother had requested he share the bed with her, she had also expected to be hugged. He had always obeyed, patiently waiting for her to fall asleep before untangling his arms from her form. He had never loved her, he had merely been fascinated by her beauty, but he had been requested to keep up that charade and he had done it well.(5)

But the first time Seishiro had held Subaru-kun in his arms, nine years before in his Maboroshi, he had been impressed by how... huggable the child was. He was the kind of cute, little thing that made him wish to smoother him with kisses and breathtaking hugs and never let him go. He had assumed it was because he was so tiny and adorable looking but Subaru-kun had affected him exactly the same way when he had reached his teenage years. The boy just seemed made to be hugged and cuddled.

It was too bad that, during the year of the bet, Subaru-kun had been so damn shy and had avoided being touched the best he could. Seishiro wouldn't have minded hugging him all the time.

Maybe when he had compared him to a glass cup he hadn't been right. The boy was more like the perfect Teddy Bear and holding him assured him the best sleep possible. He might grow used to that feeling.

Anyway, now his Teddy Bear was completely at his mercy and unable to resist him, and yet he still couldn't touch him. Well... technically he could, and he had considered doing so more than once, but he had seen no point in it.

To have a rarely conscious, often delirious Subaru-kun wouldn't have been that different from taking the boy while he was within. It would have been like having a corpse and, no matter how delectable Subaru-kun was, Seishiro wasn't into necrophilia yet.

Seishiro sighed.

He should have left Subaru-kun where he was but instead he was there, playing nurse. Not his idea of fun.

He eyed the boy again. Well, he could always kill him... it would be so easy to snap that frail, gorgeous neck, he mused as his fingers slid over it in a gentle caress...

As if in answer Subaru-kun chose that moment to moan his name in a truly delicious way and then squirmed closer to Seishiro in an inviting manner. Seishiro groaned, his body reacting to Subaru-kun's actions in a quite annoying way. The things Subaru-kun did and that made him the most desirable thing in the world without the boy even being aware of it... There should be a law to forbid sleeping, feverish teenagers from being such teasers...

Oh well, Seishiro decided, he could wait a little longer before killing the boy. After all, it wasn't like he had anything better to do since he had dumped his veterinary clinic and, after the end of the bet and before retrieving the boy, his life had been... dull... quite boring really...

Maybe Subaru-kun could prove himself an interesting distraction. Seishiro felt the boy nuzzling his head against him, seeking affection like a puppy would, and he grinned, trying to picture Subaru-kun's expression after he gave him a detailed list of all the things the boy had done while he was feverish and that he would never do in a normal state. He couldn't even begin to imagine the delicious blush that would surely colour the boy's face at that...

Should he start considering Subaru-kun his personal pet? His previous pets had never lasted long. Sakanagi was a nasty thing but he didn't plan to allow Subaru-kun to follow their destiny.(6) Not right then, at least. Maybe he could buy him a collar with a name tag and...

No, he decided as he trailed his hand over Subaru-kun's soft neck again causing the boy to moan and arch into his touch. He didn't want anything to touch the boy's neck but him.

He stubbed his cigarette out and laid down next to the boy, taking him back into his arms. Subaru-kun moaned his name again as he settled into his hold and Seishiro made a mental note to inform him about what Subaru-kun always ended up rubbing every time he nestled against him. He was sure that little piece of information would allow him to see Subaru-kun's deepest blush.

His living plushie in the meantime was clinging to him like he would never dare to do while awake and that caused him to smile.

"Get better soon, Subaru-kun," he whispered to the sleeping boy. "There are a lot of interesting new games we'll have to play together..."

* * *

When Subaru awoke the first word on his lips, without him even being conscious of it, was Seishiro-san's name. Then he stirred in that foreign bed blinking sleepily without understanding where he was. The fever had finally lowered and his arm didn't hurt anymore but he still felt pathetically weak. He blinked some more, and remembered hazily that Seishiro-san had carried him away from his home, so wherever he was it should be with that man, and somehow he felt a silly grin coming to his lips at the idea. He snuggled into his pillow in shy contentment before remembering that said pillow wasn't technically his but Seishiro-san's, and Seishiro-san had taken him in his arms to carry him away, and then Seishiro-san had made him sleep in his bed and... He blushed furiously and buried himself under the covers.

More fragments of memories came to him and he couldn't find a single one that wasn't embarrassing. He remembered he'd been sick, so very sick he couldn't even sustain himself, and that his state had forced Seishiro-san to take care of him.

Just a wonderful start, he blamed himself. He had immediately showed the man, who already considered him the equivalent of an object, that he was much more of a burden than any item he could own. Really, the best way to grow to mean something to Seishiro-san, he mused bitterly.

He curled on himself, absently stroking his naked legs one against the other nervously and pulling back the too long sleeves of his pyjamas shirt so they wouldn't completely cover his hands.

He blinked.

Naked legs?

And this shirt... it wasn't **_his_** pyjama shirt, he was sure of it, this shirt was too big, he had never owned such a big shirt, he... he...

* * *

_'So, what are you going to do about it, Subaru-kun? Would you like me to kill you? Or would you like me to kidnap you? Strip you from your family and your title, never let you free to go where you want, to do what you want, letting me fuck you without ever caring for you?'_

* * *

Had Seishiro-san... while he was feverish... had he...

Subaru didn't know if he should cry or blush as he curled on himself in a tight ball, feeling used and shamed and blaming himself for it. Actually, he felt more tempted to cry than to blush. Seishiro-san had told him what he wanted from him and he had accepted, so it wasn't the time to be whiny and childish and complain, but... yet... he... he...

As he forced himself to keep calm and think things through he realized he was still wearing his underwear, so maybe could that mean the man had only changed him? Yes, probably, he knew that... that... sexual intercourse... was... painful, but he didn't feel in pain, just... weak...

He sighed in relief, then blushed again at the idea of having been undressed by Seishiro-san, and immediately reproached himself for it.

The man expected to have... sex... with him.

It was obvious that, at one point or another, Subaru would have to fully undress in front of him. His knowledge of those matters was very limited, but he knew it required removing a certain amount of clothes... Predictably, he blushed even more; a side of him wished Hokuto-chan was here to comfort him. Probably she wouldn't really comfort him, more like make fun of him, but he would be fine with it. At least he wouldn't have been alone in this situation.

Hokuto-chan.

He would never see her again.

He gulped back a sob. He had made his choice. He wanted to be with Seishiro-san. He wanted it so badly, even if the man didn't care about him and he would never see Hokuto-chan or Obaachan again. Even if his Ichimon would consider him a source of shame and disown him. He wanted to be with Seishiro-san more than anything else and at any price. It was a very egoistic wish, he knew, but... he couldn't help wishing for it. He wouldn't turn back on his decision. Never.

He moved his head out from under the covers and looked around timidly. Seishiro-san wasn't in the room, which was a relief and a source of worry at the same time. The room was large and clearly part of a traditional house, yet the furniture was modern and western style, starting with the bed on which Subaru was resting. Subaru tried to sit up. He felt dizzy for a second but, in the end, he managed without too much trouble. The pyjama shirt he was wearing was too large for him, he admitted as he noticed the shirt kept sliding down from one of his shoulders, but it was warm and it held Seishiro-san's scent and that was strangely reassuring, Subaru mused as he hugged himself with a tiny smile.

He gave the room another look. It looked like a boy's room, and it definitely contained more stuff than Seishiro-san's bedroom in Shinjuku had. They were all well ordered and some of them seemed quite old, like a model toy on the desk or some school books on the shelves. Subaru wondered if this had been Seishiro-san's room when he had been younger, and felt strangely embarrassed at the idea of being here, as if he were spying into the man's privacy, into his past.

But where was Seishiro-san? He hadn't left, had he?

Anxiously, he forced himself out of the bed and managed to stand on wobbly legs. The shirt was long enough to cover him in an acceptable manner, but still... The idea of being seen with his legs naked was utterly embarrassing. However, the idea of being here, alone, without Seishiro-san, made him feel even worse. Unsteadily, he walked toward the door, determined to find the man.

* * *

Seishiro was busy cooking dinner when a pale and sweaty Subaru-kun showed up in his kitchen wearing only his pyjama shirt and looking extremely frail, vulnerable and far tastier than anything Seishiro's culinary ability could prepare. The boy swayed slightly, calling his name as soon as he saw him, and Seishiro was fast to drop everything and catch him before the boy fell on the ground.

"Subaru-kun, what in the world are you doing up?" he asked as he easily took the boy in his arms. He was kind of surprised by how Subaru-kun curled immediately against him, forgetting for once his natural shyness and clinging to Seishiro's shirt as if the boy had been scared by something.

"I couldn't find you," Subaru whimpered, hiding his face against Seishiro-san, not fully realizing what he was doing. "I couldn't find you. This house is so big and I couldn't find you... I thought... you left me... you left... and you would never return...never... you left..."

"Silly Subaru-kun, why would I permanently leave my own house?" Seishiro asked, wondering for the nth time if Subaru-kun had actually followed a course to learn how to be so deliciously cute and tempting at the same time. It seemed impossible he could have learned to reach such levels on his own. No one could be so lovely and innocent looking.

Subaru-kun looked up at him with such an adorable puppy gaze, then blushed and lowered his head again as he realized what Seishiro had said had been reasonable.

So cute, Seishiro observed gazing at him fondly. Despite his work, his role and his responsibilities, Subaru-kun was only a teenager and, curled up in his arms, he seemed even younger and so small... A tiny lamb that would soon fall victim of the big, bad wolf...

"By the way, Subaru-kun... you look adorable in my pyjama shirt, a true temptation," he whispered in the boy's ear, holding him even closer, his fingers sliding a little on Subaru-kun's naked leg to enjoy its smoothness. Such soft skin...

Slowly Subaru-kun raised his head to look up at him, blushed so hard even the tips of his ears became reddish as soon as he met Seishiro's gaze and then he lowered his head again as he curled even more on himself as if he wished to disappear. However, Seishiro hadn't expected the boy to thank him in a rather nervous and shy manner for that embarrassing compliment. The man shrugged carelessly.

"It's a mere statement of fact, Subaru-kun," he informed him with a charming, yet empty smile. Subaru-kun didn't reply, but his blush seemed to decrease as Seishiro carried him back in the bedroom.

Seishiro settled the boy back in the bed and under the covers. The man grinned as he rested his forehead against Subaru-kun's to check if he still had a temperature. Subaru-kun tried to squirm back instinctively, as if to keep some distance, but Seishiro didn't let him, holding him firmly in place with his arm. So close he couldn't see the faint blush on Subaru-kun's cheeks, only those pools of green, well, a single pool of green due to his handicapped line of sight, his vision slightly unfocused due to the excessive closeness, but not enough to not notice a strong emotion shimmering in the depths of Subaru-kun's eyes. Seishiro, however, wasn't able to discern which it was. He remained there longer than it was necessary, forehead against forehead, wondering what it was what that Subaru-kun was feeling, wondering why Subaru-kun was still looking straight at him despite his embarrassment, and how easy it would be to press his lips against the boy's slightly parted ones, push him against the bed and ravish him here. And yet something stopped him, something in those unresisting yet innocent deep pools.

He shrugged it off as he moved away from the boy. After all, there was no need to spoil his fun with a rushed act. Subaru-kun's eyes were still on him as he stated that the fever had gone and only weakness remained, and the boy seemed about to say something, but in the end he simply lowered his head and clenched his fists in the covers.

"Having second thoughts, Subaru-kun?" he asked teasingly, not really meaning to be cruel, just to set things straight between then. It would be too bad if Subaru-kun had them because he didn't plan to return the boy to the Sumeragi Ichimon anytime soon. At least not alive, and without having his fun with him first. Subaru-kun just raised his head and looked straight at him with that firm, determined expression of his that he had when he couldn't be talked out of things.

"No. Never," he stated, and Seishiro had the distinct impression he was the one disadvantaged here. Subaru-kun knew what he was looking for from their arrangement, while Seishiro had only a vague idea. However, Seishiro didn't show it at all as he smiled brightly and said he would be back with dinner, made a couple of jokes about being hungry and anxious to eat his _'dessert'_, and ruffled the boy's hair for good measure before leaving, planning to embarrass and confuse Subaru-kun and to use it to his advantage. It didn't work quite the way he wanted. Subaru-kun merely lowered his gaze, saddened rather than embarrassed or confused, and Seishiro was forced to shrug it off and leave before finding himself at further disadvantage. He really didn't understand Subaru-kun's behaviour.

Once alone Subaru sighed to himself. Seishiro-san meant nothing with his jokes and his kindness. The attentions that had once embarrassed him and had made him feel strangely elated at the same time, now only made him feel miserable, reminding him they were just an illusion, an act. Yet it didn't matter, really.

Even an illusion of love was better than nothing.

He hugged himself, inhaling Seishiro-san's scent on his shirt and his lips curved into a tiny smile. He would make himself happy with what he got. He was already very lucky he could have this much, that he could be with Seishiro-san. He sighed and snuggled into the covers, savouring their warmth and trying to immerse himself in Seishiro-san's scent. He didn't mind it contained the smell of blood. It was Seishiro-san's scent and he was sure the man was more than just the Sakurazukamori. Being the Sakurazukamori was just a part of the man, not the whole. Subaru would find a way to make their arrangement work. To make their arrangement work... To make their arrangement work he would have to...

He blushed again as he remembered how the man had already stolen his first kiss, his fingers going automatically to brush his lips. It hadn't been a bad feeling, it just had been ... unexpected and... a bit too fleeting for his liking. His blush reached crimson as he realized a side of him wished that kiss had been longer, that other kisses had followed it, that...

He buried himself under the covers, wishing he could disappear.

He didn't even want to imagine the whipping Obaachan would give him should she know her grandson was having such... perverted thoughts. Those weren't thoughts the Sumeragi no Chou was supposed to have. He wasn't supposed to like the idea of kissing, especially kissing a man, especially if said man was the Sakurazukamori. However... he couldn't stop himself from thinking of it. He loved Seishiro-san and he wanted to be with him. He liked it when the man complimented to him, touched him, hugged him, kissed him. Why should this be... a crime for the Sumeragi no Chou? Why should this be a crime for him?

He had no idea; however, crime or not, he would stay with Seishiro-san, no matter the price he would have to pay. He would stay with Seishiro-san. That was all he wished for.

His ideas of how... having sex would be were, however, pretty vague. His grandmother had given him the... _'talk'_ when he'd been very, very young and it had been a very formal and technical matter. Subaru hadn't understood much of it, only that it was something very embarrassing of which he never was supposed to talk, and that it... hurt. Actually, his grandmother had told him it was supposed to hurt the girl only, and only her first time, but Subaru had failed to get it and had assumed both partners would be in pain. It seemed... more fair to him. Seeing his confused expression at the end of that long and complicated explanation, his grandmother had smiled indulgently and said there was no real need for him to understand how everything worked right now, that there was still time till the moment he would have to use that knowledge to produce an heir, and only to produce an heir, with a woman of his Ichimon's choosing. Then the talk had switched to how his Ichimon was going to pick for him the perfect bride, and how he had nothing to worry about.

Subaru was sure at the time that he would do as his Ichimon wanted, of course, but he could find no joy in the idea he was going to be married to a woman someone else would choose for him, despite being sure his Ichimon would do its best to find a special person for him.

He just... wanted someone of his own choosing, someone he would love and that would love him back, not due to **_what_** he was but due to **_who_** he was. And he wanted to love that person not in order to produce a heir, but just... because that person was special to him.

He had said nothing, however, knowing it wasn't his place to question his grandmother's decisions, and had pushed his wishes away, along with other silly dreams he would have to dismiss, like the one of becoming a veterinarian.

His grandmother hadn't discussed with him the topic of how to have... intercourse ever again, and he was smart enough to understand that particular topic shouldn't be mentioned without her permission. Hokuto-chan was different. She wanted to talk about it as often as she could, and always at the worst moments, embarrassing everyone. She reached the final straw during a dinner shortly after Subaru returned from Tokyo with his hands covered. He desperately tried not to fumble as he ate, awkward and miserable from how the gloves he was forced to wear attracted everyone's attention. Subaru really didn't have the strength to keep up with her at the time, and so, annoyed by the lack of attention she was receiving from her twin after so long apart, she decided to bug her grandmother. After all, it had been her idea to take Subaru alone to Tokyo, and it had been her idea to force him into gloves without telling Hokuto why. It didn't matter that Subaru didn't know either. Hokuto was his older sister. She was **ALWAYS** supposed to be with him and she was supposed to know **EVERYTHING** about him, no matter she was only nine.

So she began to question the old woman. Had she made sure Subaru ate? Had she kept him under control? Had she made sure he was never left alone, especially around the city, especially since Subaru had no sense of direction and could very easily get lost? Had she pushed him toward the path of Wakushudo?(7)

Subaru at the time had only a vague idea about what Wakushudo was. Something that involved young Samurai being taught the way of being real men by older Samurai... he had no idea how, and, later, he'd never been sure he wanted to know how his sister had found out the truth about it.

However, Subaru remembered his grandmother's reaction to the question. Never before had he seen the woman so angry as she declared that Subaru was the Ichimon no Chou, and she would never allow Subaru to be involved in something so... so... She hadn't ended the sentence, but Subaru was ready to bet she found this _'Wakushudo'_, whatever it was, something tremendously shameful, something Subaru should never, never do if he didn't want to dishonour his Ichimon. When she looked at Subaru, at Subaru's hands, and her gaze was hard, and Subaru had felt so scared and... dirty somehow... that he began crying weakly, trying his best to stop himself, knowing he wasn't allowed to cry in front of everyone as if he were a normal child, and failing miserably.(8)

Years later, even after he had learned what Wakushudo was about, how it was part of the tradition and how some still indulged in it, even if... with a different spirit than that of the past, he would still feel a sense of dread and shame at the idea of indulging himself in such activity, and that was part of what had pushed him to be oblivious to his feelings for Seishiro-san for twelve months. He didn't want to have them, he wasn't supposed to have them, not for a man. However, as soon as he realized they existed, he hadn't been capable of denying them. He hadn't been capable of giving them up, not even after Seishiro-san told him he didn't care for him at all. And so here he was, about to do something that would cause his whole Ichimon to despite him, all for a man who... whom he loved, Subaru reminded himself. The rest didn't matter. He loved Seishiro-san and he would do anything for him, anything. It was as simple as that.

* * *

If there was one thing Seishiro disliked it was being at a disadvantage. Subaru-kun had always been an open book to him before, and now...

Well, no, he hadn't been always an open book. The boy had managed to surprise him here and there. After all, he had made a bet with him because he had surprised him twice just in their first meeting.

Oh well, he reasoned, it was a good thing the boy could surprise him; hadn't he dragged him here because he was bored and wanted a distraction? Well, that and to satisfy some biological needs also...

Honestly, he wasn't really sure that was the answer. All he had known was that he had wanted him, wanted to own him, wanted to posses him, and had translated that impulse into a wish to trap him and to have sex with him. And he wanted both things, he was sure of this, but there seemed to be more, only he had no idea what it was. It didn't help that Subaru-kun seemed to know what he wanted.

Oh well... he would work on getting what he wanted and once he had done with the boy he would figure out what he would do with him next.

* * *

Dinner was quiet. They consumed it in Seishiro-san's bedroom because Seishiro-san didn't want Subaru to get up yet, and, to Subaru's great embarrassment, Seishiro-san also insisted in feeding Subaru, saying that Subaru's arm wasn't healed properly yet (which was a quite obvious lie since it didn't hurt anymore and Subaru could move it just fine) and that he didn't want Subaru to cause him to do unnecessary laundry since he hated to do laundry.

Subaru, anxious to prove himself of some use, volunteered to do laundry for him. Seishiro-san raised one of his eyebrows at that.

"Do you know how to do laundry, Subaru-kun?" he asked. Subaru lowered his gaze and blushed a little in embarrassment.

"Not really," he admitted. "Normally Hokuto-chan was the one who took care of it... but I can learn," he offered. Seishiro-san looked at him doubtfully and Subaru just knew the man was aware of how clumsy Subaru was, and that it was never a smart idea to trust him to do things. Subaru's only ability, after all, lay in Onmyoujutsu and they both knew it well.

"Forget it, Subaru-kun. I didn't bring you here because I wanted a maid," Seishiro-san said eventually in an allusive tone, brushing his offer off and indirectly reminding him why he had brought him here.

A reminder was something Subaru didn't particularly want and his cheeks coloured slightly even as his gaze saddened. Seishiro-san studied him cynically, and Subaru felt even more depressed.

He had so little to offer, as inexperienced in those matters as he was...

He had so little to offer in everything except in the depth of his feelings, but he doubted Seishiro-san cared about them.

What value could Subaru's love have for one who was the Sakurazukamori?

When Subaru finished eating Seishiro-san set the tray holding his plate on the bedside table, then just stared at Subaru who lowered his gaze again and clenched his fists in the covers nervously. Seishiro-san cupped Subaru's cheek and turned his head toward him, forcing the boy to raise his gaze.

"Do you have an idea of what I expect you to do, Subaru-kun? For what purpose I brought you here?" Seishiro-san asked him, his eyes so intense they seemed to burn. Eyes. Eye, actually, and Subaru felt a pang of guilt at the reminder. It had been all his fault.

"I..." Subaru gulped, his mouth dry. "You told me," he replied quietly, lowering his eyes and blushing slightly. He saw Seishiro-san frowning, as if that wasn't the answer the man expected him to say.

"But you've no idea what I technically expect from you, do you?" he insisted, turning Subaru's head again so that Subaru was forced to look at him. Subaru gulped again.

"Well... not really... but I can learn... you can teach me... to do what you want me to do... what you would like me to do..." he suggested innocently. Seishiro-san stared at him, his eyes widening as he gulped as well.

"You've no idea what you've just said, do you, Subaru-kun?" he asked then.

"I'm sorry!" he hurried to say. "I... did I say something wrong?" he asked timidly. "I'm sorry, I... I really didn't mean it..." he apologized. He worried when he didn't receive an immediate answer and hurried to apologize some more. Seishiro-san laughed, releasing him.

"I can't believe you can say such arousing things with such innocence," the man stated between chuckles and Subaru blushed wildly at that.

"I said what?" he stammered, covering his mouth, his embarrassment clearly written in capital letters on his face. Seishiro laughed even more. Subaru-kun had always been an amusing toy. He glanced again at the boy, who looked hurt and close to pouting.

Cute. Really, really cute.

He forced himself to stop laughing and rested his hand on Subaru-kun's cheek, cupping it. Subaru instinctively squirmed back as Seishiro-san moved closer to him, slowly, as if enjoying the moment.

_'Mine. All mine,'_ his mind claimed, and he felt a strong wish to claim the boy's body as well, to rip away Subaru-kun's clothes and make him his own in that bed that had been Seishiro's alone since he was nine and had come to visit his mother for the first time. She had stolen his virginity here, and he would do the same with Subaru-kun's.(9)

"So you want to learn, Subaru-kun," Seishiro said, removing his glasses and placing them on the bedside table, his gaze never leaving Subaru-kun who now had his back against the wall. "Well, why don't you start by trying to kiss me then? Practice is the best teacher," he suggested, smiling charmingly.

Subaru-kun's eyes grew impossibly huge, their green made even more evident by the boy's fierce blush.

Seishiro moved even closer, stopping mere centimetres from his lips.

"Or are you looking for a way to try to back out of this situation, Subaru-kun?" he teased, his voice soft and sensual, his breath warm on Subaru's skin before he backed off that much he needed to watch the boy.

Subaru blinked as his storming emotions battled inside him. Fear, tension, embarrassment, love, desperation, they all were pushed aside as Subaru made his decision.

He wanted to be with Seishiro-san.

At whatever price.

He would never back out of their deal.

However... he had never kissed anyone. Seishiro-san had kissed him once (actually twice, but Subaru wasn't aware of that) but Subaru wasn't sure that was how one should kiss a person, and that was all the experience Subaru had.

It would have to do, Subaru decided.

He gulped before inching closer, not really sure exactly what he was doing, his heart beating so fast he thought he would have a heart attack. He noticed Seishiro-san studying him with almost childish curiosity as he moved closer, as if the man, too, had no idea about what Subaru was doing, and Subaru lowered his gaze, feeling even more embarrassed. Hesitantly, he raised his arms, wrapping them slowly around Seishiro-san's neck, in an unconsciously sensual and graceful gesture, aiming only to be as close as possible to the man. A corner of his mind wondered why time seemed to move to a such an impossibly slow pace, then he took a deep breath, raised his head and brushed his lips against Seishiro-san's parted ones.

It felt awkward and embarrassing and he really had no idea how to continue from here, he only remembered that, when Seishiro-san had kissed him, the man's lips had been open and so he did the same, hoping he wasn't doing something wrong, his embrace slowly turning into a fierce yet desperate hold as in his need to be as close as possible to the man and his fear of being pushed away took control of his actions.

Seishiro let Subaru-kun draw him close. In fact, he wrapped his arms around Subaru-kun's smaller form, holding the boy tightly in return so as to make it impossible for him to escape. Not that Subaru-kun was attempting to; Seishiro had been quite surprised when his shy, timid Subaru-kun had found the courage to hug and kiss him.

Actually, being kissed by Subaru-kun was totally different from how Seishiro had imagined it would be. It wasn't just a shy, sweet thing that would have barely given him the impression of contact; it was needy and loving, even if a bit clumsy, and yet not forceful at all. He could break that hold anytime, but there was something in it that stopped him from doing so.

In his dream the boy... had held back somehow, but now Subaru-kun was pouring all his feelings into that inexperienced kiss, allowing Seishiro to take all he wanted from him, and the more Seishiro tried to take the more Subaru-kun would offer. It was intoxicating, close to an infinite freefall that gave him an unusual sense of vertigo. Subaru-kun's fingers slid through Seishiro's hair gently, lovingly, and when Seishiro opened his lips more the boy did the same, obediently following his unspoken suggestion. He felt Subaru-kun tensing and almost pulling back when he slid his tongue into the youth's mouth - he had likely confused the inexperienced boy with this new addition to the game - then, as before, Subaru-kun answered his actions, mimicking them shyly in what, Seishiro knew, was an attempt to please him.

He could take whatever he wanted from Subaru-kun. Subaru-kun would let him. Subaru-kun would let him and only him do it. The pure, shy, self righteous Sumeragi no Chou would let him do whatever he wanted with his body, would do anything to please him. The thought was almost intoxicating.

When they parted he stared intensely at Subaru-kun, feeling the boy's arms slide slowly from around his neck, as if the boy wasn't sure if he could keep them there. Subaru-kun was looking at him nervously, his lips slightly parted, his cheeks fairly coloured, and Seishiro was taking note of each detail of the youth's vulnerable expression, studying those beautiful, yet confused green eyes, those lovely red lips, that delicious blush that coloured those soft cheeks...

So innocent... he was going to rip that innocence away from him, to clip the boy's wings and bind Subaru-kun to the hard ground forever, so that he would never, never be able to escape him; he was going to soil him with so much mud that no one else would ever want to steal the boy from Seishiro, and Seishiro would be free to keep him all for himself forever...

He pushed the boy down on the bed roughly, pinning the youth's wrists over Subaru-kun's head with his hand, and then kissed him again, deeper, a hungry, rough, violent kiss that cared nothing of giving pleasure to the boy under him. Subaru-kun had made a startled squeak when Seishiro had pushed him down and the man had seen a glimpse of fear in the boy's eyes, and yet... yet after that Subaru-kun let himself be kissed, dominated, not complaining at all at Seishiro's rough treatment. He didn't look like he was enjoying it, he just... wasn't complaining, he was submitting to it passively, looking as if he didn't know what to expect but didn't want to disappoint Seishiro anyway, no matter what the man asked of him. He would deny him nothing and that was pleasing, but... but it wasn't fun.

A passive, unsatisfied Subaru-kun wasn't what Seishiro wanted.

He wanted... he wanted... he wasn't sure what he wanted, he realized as he raised himself to stare at his prey's confused green eyes, frowning as if his disappointment and confusion were all Subaru-kun's fault.

It was an absurd situation. It wasn't like him to not know what he wanted.

"Sei... Seishiro-san?" the boy whispered hesitantly. Odd how Subaru-kun should feel the need to whisper in a moment like this. Shy or not, it wasn't as if there was someone around who could hear them. They were alone here, just the two of them, the rest of the people who populated the world so far away they might as well not exist.

"What, Subaru-kun?" he replied amiably, forcing another charming yet empty smile. Was the boy going to ask him to stop? Was he going to ask him for explanations? Was he going to ask for some sentimental declaration? Was he just scared and expected reassurance? Seishiro couldn't decide which request would be the most amusing to hear and to refuse, and yet he didn't really feel amused even if he knew he should.

"Can I..." Subaru-kun paused to swallow, his pleading, green eyes never leaving him, and Seishiro couldn't help but think the boy was indeed very beautiful like that. "Can I touch you?" Subaru-kun blurted out as quickly as he could, blushing even more vividly and lowering his gaze as soon as he had spoken those words, leaving Seishiro completely astonished. Subaru-kun had asked him what?

Well, this was definitely... intriguing... even if it just didn't fit with his idea of things Subaru-kun would ask for, and that left him strangely... displeased.

"So forward, Subaru-kun?" he whispered teasingly anyway, his expression a careful mix between amusement and lust.

Subaru's cheeks turned scarlet as he, for once, realized the implication of what he had said and he lowered his gaze, squirming uneasily in Seishiro-san's grip.

"No... I mean... I just... I only... wanted to... to hug you... I mean... I won't do it if it bothers you... I mean..." he tried to explain, his embarrassment rising. What had his words caused Seishiro-san to think about him now? He had likely thought Subaru was behaving like a... a... prostitute for asking something like that, but... but even Subaru's real reason for wishing to touch him wasn't something to be proud of. He wasn't a child anymore, he wasn't supposed to bother the man with such a silly thing as his wish to hug and be hugged.

Seishiro's grin turned self mocking after Subaru-kun's explanation. What else could he expect from Subaru-kun? The boy really was naïve and pure; unlike him, Subaru-kun had never pretended to be what he wasn't, and that was somehow... good. However, fulfilling that request was completely out of the question. Despite Subaru-kun's claim to love him, Seishiro knew the boy was a powerful Onmyouji. There was no way Seishiro would lower his guard that much to let him... Subaru-kun claimed to love him, but the boy was a powerful Onmyouji, and Seishiro couldn't lower his own guard so much as to let him... Ruefully, Seishiro acknowledged to himself that he'd already let Subaru hug him when they'd kissed earlier, so it was absurd to hesitate now merely because permission had been asked.

He stared at the boy, studying him carefully. Subaru-kun had fallen silent, biting his lower lip nervously, his gaze still averted from Seishiro. He probably felt very foolish and he looked so vulnerable, like it would take nothing to break him, and Seishiro wished he could look like that forever, always on the verge of breaking and yet... still whole. In his eyes Subaru-kun's beauty had always lain in his extreme fragility, in his almost childlike innocence and purity that would take so little to rip away from him...

Seishiro gently brushed his fingers against one of those burning cheeks. So smooth and soft... so delicate... Subaru-kun's eyes turned slowly to him and Seishiro bent down to kiss gently that soft skin, just a brush of his lips. So soft... almost addictive... The boy's eyes turned away, submitting again to Seishiro's will. So vulnerable... so frail... so completely in his hands... and he wanted to possess him entirely, forever, he would never let Subaru-kun belong to someone else, he wanted... he wasn't really sure what, it was just a strange mix between protecting him and destroying him.

He released Subaru-kun's wrists, to pass one of his arms around the boy's midsection to drag him even closer, pressing their bodies even closer, his hold almost painfully tight, as his other hand busied itself trailing through Subaru-kun's fine hair gently.

"Touch all you like," he whispered huskily into the boy's ear as he nuzzled against him.

Subaru-kun was **_his_**. The boy would never turn against him, never. He had nothing to fear. He had only to enjoy the boy's willing presence in his arms...

At first, after Seishiro-san's declaration, Subaru merely turned to look at him with wide eyes, surprised by that concession, but even more by the fact Seishiro-san didn't seem to think badly of him for his request, then, slowly he moved his arms to wrap them around Seishiro-san's neck, hesitant at first, then his hold tightened as he buried his head against Seishiro-san's shoulder with a satisfied sigh. To him that felt a lot better. It wouldn't stop the... inevitable... from happening, but... but it gave him the impression it wasn't just a mechanical act aimed to satisfy some biological impulse but something in which feelings too were involved. It was an illusion, he knew Seishiro-san felt nothing for him, but the illusion felt so good he could have cried...

Seishiro grinned as he felt Subaru-kun clinging to him, then the man divided them again even if he remained less than arm's length from the boy. He stared in amusement at Subaru-kun confused, almost disappointed, expression, his arms still around Seishiro's neck even if their hold has loosened allowing Seishiro to raise himself from the bed. Then, still grinning, Seishiro with a sudden and not too gentle movement ripped away the covers that were half covering Subaru-kun's body. He heard the boy squeaking in surprise, his hold around Seishiro's neck tightening immediately, pulling Seishiro back down to lean on the bed. Subaru-kun's body tensed in fear as he was exposed, legs shifting nervously in anticipation. Seishiro took care to lower himself again on the youth to kiss the boy's forehead soothingly, then he began trailing kisses lower, moving from Subaru-kun's forehead, to the boy's left cheek, then turned Subaru-kun's face toward him, staring at those nervous green eyes for a moment before kissing the tip of the boy's nose quickly, causing him to blink in surprise and he grinned in amusement before moving lower, to claim those parted lips again.

Subaru-kun clung to him as he was kissed thoroughly, blushing more as Seishiro explored his mouth with his tongue while the boy tried timidly to answer in kind.

Without pausing from savouring the boy's lips Seishiro moved to climb on the bed, pleased as Subaru-kun unconsciously opened his legs to make space for him between them, then he interrupted the kiss and smiled softly as he stared at Subaru-kun's blushing face.

"You're mine, Subaru-kun. All mine to do with as I please. Now and forever," he stated, caressing the boy's hair, his tone gentle even if his words were not. "I'll never let you go. You'll be my captive forever."

Subaru-kun simply stared at him, panting slightly, his lips beginning to look slightly swollen. Maybe he shouldn't kiss the boy so passionately but he couldn't bring himself to care. Seishiro knew the boy was afraid and his words hadn't been exactly reassuring or kind. He didn't want to be reassuring or kind. He didn't mean to be scary or cruel, either. What he had said had been simply the truth and he wanted Subaru-kun to know it. To remember it. To never, ever forget it, because he would have nothing more and nothing less from Seishiro. He would simply be Seishiro's property until Seishiro grew bored with him. Subaru-kun needed to know he was Seishiro's property, his and no one else's. Even if he grew bored with Subaru-kun, if the novelty of keeping the boy became tedious, he would never let anyone else have him. Seishiro needed Subaru-kun to know it, to know it and still wish for it anyway, even if Seishiro wouldn't have been able to explain why he needed it so badly.

"I love you. Whatever you want is fine with me. As long as I'm allowed to stay with you," the boy replied, his tone firm even if he had that deliciously vulnerable expression Seishiro adored, his hold on Seishiro tightening slightly as he spoke, as if silently asking not to be sent away, and Seishiro stared at him, his finger trailing on Subaru-kun's lower lip gently, lingering on the point the boy always bit when he was nervous.

He couldn't understand Subaru-kun's affection for him, his wish to be with him, not after what he had done to the boy, not after what he had said to him, but he still found it very pleasing as he bent down to kiss those soft lips that belonged to him and him only and that were also willingly offered to him and him only.

The kiss was passionate and possessive and Seishiro tightened his hold on his young captive as one of his hands trailed lower, to touch Subaru-kun's naked thigh. Smooth skin, he observed, pleased by how Subaru-kun gasped at the contact, and squirmed minutely in his grasp. No one else had ever got that far with the boy. No one else had savoured the smoothness of the boy's thighs and no one else ever would, Seishiro thought darkly. He didn't let him go nor did he break the kiss, his hand rising higher.

Subaru swallowed as he tried to force himself to calm down. Seishiro-san wouldn't stop, no matter how scared he was or if he were to change his mind and Subaru knew this. This wasn't how he wanted things to be, he didn't want to make love with someone who didn't love him, who didn't care for him in the slightest, and yet Subaru refused to change his mind. That someone who was making love with him was Seishiro-san, and he wanted to be with Seishiro-san at any cost.

No one would forgive him for what he was about to do or even understand why he was doing it. It didn't matter. He wanted to be with Seishiro-san. He couldn't bear the mere idea of being parted from him. Whatever the man would do to him wouldn't hurt as much as his absence from Subaru's life.

Stubbornly, he held against him even tighter, one of his legs partially wrapping around Seishiro-san in an attempt to get even closer, the gesture causing his whole body to press against the man's.

He gasped at the foreign feeling, blushing even more and clinging even tighter as he felt very close to panic. He knew too little about lovemaking to be comfortable with it, and the little he knew made him even more nervous. This was supposed to involve pain and shame, and instead he... instead he had just felt... He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back his tears, ashamed and scared further by what he felt.

He wasn't going to cry, he decided, no matter what.

He felt confused when Seishiro-san stopped touching him in such an embarrassing manner, loosened his hold on him and gently started kissing the side of his face.

"Relax," the man whispered to him. "I won't hurt you, but you have to calm down," Seishiro-san assured him, oblivious to the fact his words would have been a lot more reassuring if he hadn't already hurt Subaru, if he hadn't already broken his arm, his trust and his heart as easily as he would step on a leaf.

"I'm sorry, I..." Subaru whimpered, feeling embarrassed and humiliated. He hadn't meant to show his fear, to look like a coward, he...

"Hush," Seishiro-san soothed him. "It's normal to be scared; it's your first time, isn't he?" The man kissed his neck gently when Subaru nodded shyly, blushing. What Seishiro-san was doing felt nice, so very nice... but... but it wasn't supposed to feel nice... "Relax. I know what to do," Seishiro-san continued.

Subaru tried to obey him. He tried to relax, to ignore all he was feeling. He just... he wanted so much to please Seishiro-san...

Seishiro's main concern was to keep Subaru-kun distract enough so that he wouldn't panic too much. He had noticed his actions were beginning to affect the boy's body but he had also noted this was scaring Subaru-kun further. The youth had too little experience with physical contact and the reactions it generated. It made him wonder if Subaru-kun had ever taken care of his physical needs, or if he just took a cold shower any time his hormones kicked in. If they ever had. Subaru-kun seemed so deliciously naïve of the whole matter it made him wonder if it was possible to be seventeen and not have hit puberty yet. Male teenagers were supposed to be way more eager and intrigued by sex than Subaru-kun was and yet...

* * *

_'Prank calls? I get those at the clinic too. They say stuff like 'What are you doing right now, miss?' or 'What is the color of your underwear?' while breathing heavily.' _

_'Did they make the prank calls after going on a marathon?' _

_'Well, since I'm not a woman, I'm afraid I can't provide them with the replies they are expecting. As a consolation I let them listen the voices of my patients... cat-san, dog-san, monkey-san...' _

_'Why would they want to know the color of the underwear?' _

_'Could be that it's the sport of their life?'(10)_

* * *

Yes, probably Subaru-kun was still a little behind compared to other teenagers and, as exciting as it could be to force him, Seishiro didn't really consider it wise to risk a battle with another Onmyouji inside his house. Besides, it would be more interesting to lead the boy into the games of sex if he was willing. So far Subaru-kun had done his best to be a willing partner, and definitely things were much more pleasing when the boy answered Seishiro's actions than when he shied away from them. Much more pleasing, he mused as the boy shifted a little to expose his neck more with a tiny moan of appreciation for Seishiro's attentions, his hand unconsciously caressing Seishiro's neck and hair gently, his open legs shifting slightly once in a while to rub against Seishiro's as if the boy was tempted to wrap them around the man's waist and fought to resist the impulse, as if he wasn't sure if that was allowed.

Seishiro wasn't sure he would get the same pleasure from the boy, should he be struggling, wailing and screaming at the top of his lugs, and... and the idea of having Subaru-kun, such a shy, reserved boy, wanting him, clinging to him, screaming his name in pleasure as he willingly gave his virginity to Seishiro was infinitely more exciting than the idea of ripping it from the boy. Should he feel the need for something different he might try later to take Subaru-kun while he was unwilling. So far he wanted to enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

However he doubted he wouldn't hurt Subaru-kun. Unlike in his dream he had lubricant and he was firmly sure he could control himself enough to be gentle as he took him, at least this time, but Subaru-kun had never had sex before, was only seventeen and pretty small for his age. If he added to this that the boy was also likely to be very tense when he tried to take him...

Oh well, it would be Subaru-kun's problem and, anyway, there was no point in worrying about it ahead of time, he told himself, chasing away that tiny spike of... worry that had no reason to exist. If, after he had had Subaru-kun, he decided it was an experience worth repeating and that he would keep the boy longer, he would explain to him that some pain was normal and inevitable the first time. He knew Subaru-kun would forgive him. It was at times like this that the boy's forgiving nature was useful... and yet that explanation wasn't particularly pleasing so he refused to dwell on it further and busied himself enjoying the body under him.

While he continued to kiss his young captive's smooth skin, he raised himself a bit to begin unfastening the boy's shirt buttons. Actually, that was his pyjama shirt and he should have chosen one without buttons, he reproached himself. It would have made things easier because, at the moment, he was a bit too eager to get Subaru-kun out of it than what he would have liked, despite having already seen the boy naked when he had changed him.

Subaru-kun's hold on him had tightened when Seishiro had raised himself, as if the boy refused to let him go and this caused him to smile, amused, and to lean down again for a quick kiss to the tip of Subaru-kun's nose. The boy was so cute when he was so... clingy...

Subaru-kun tensed again as Seishiro started to unfasten the buttons and he had to remind him, in a stern tone, that he had to relax.

Subaru blushed hard, wondering if it was possible to relax in such a situation. He was wearing practically nothing under that shirt and, once Seishiro-san unfastened all those buttons, he... he...

He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting to control his breathing and, loyal to his training as an Onmyouji, he tried meditation. Obaachan used to say an Onmyouji should be able to meditate in any situation, only he doubted this was what she had in mind when she said it. He began trembling minutely, feeling embarrassed, ugly and inadequate when Seishiro-san, once done with the buttons, stared at him in silence. He didn't even dare to peek up at the man, and then shuddered when Seishiro-san rested his hands - Seishiro-san's hands were so large compared to his, so strong and warm! - on his stomach and then trailed them over his skin, caressing his sides first, in an almost ticklish manner, then rising and...

_'Oh, Kami-sama, was this what it was supposed to feel like to have his nipples touched by another person?'_ he wondered.

He swallowed, doing his best to control himself and not squirm or moan as Seishiro-san seemed to have fun tormenting them, touching and squeezing, as if he was testing Subaru's ability to remain calm under his ministrations, which wasn't exactly easy, Subaru mused as he fought his body's instinct to arch into Seishiro-san's touch.

He had to relax, Seishiro-san told him to relax and he wouldn't disappoint the man.

He had to think at something else, anything else!

Seishiro-san had unfastened the buttons of his shirt so... was he supposed to do the same for the man? Hesitantly, he opened his eyes to stare at... at the ceiling as Seishiro-san bent down and lapped his nipple and...

_'Oh, Kami-sama,'_ he thought as he was unable to stop himself from arching into that touch as another moan, rather loud he had to admit with shame, escaped from his lips. _'Relax, relax, you don't want to disappoint Seishiro-san,'_ he reminded to himself doing his best to keep calm. _'Why is this feeling so nice?'_ he asked himself in confusion as Seishiro-san continued tormenting him. _'Shouldn't it hurt? Is there something wrong in me that causes me to find it nice? Am I a pervert? Oh my, this isn't just nice, it's much more than nice, it's...'_

His treacherous body arched again as Seishiro-san bit him lightly, and Subaru had no idea why but the bite, too, felt... so good...

Yes, probably it was all his fault, so he had to put his feelings back in check and start doing something useful for Seishiro-san before the man grew angry with him... or, even worse, disgusted... Yes, it should be disgusting that he was enjoying that... he should stop... even if it wasn't quite easy...

With hesitant, shaking fingers he tried to reach for Seishiro-san's shirt. He noticed the man staring down at him, and thought he would die of mortification when Seishiro-san took hold of one of his wrists and asked what he was doing.

"I shouldn't... I thought... you did... I... you... I'm sorry..." he babbled, unable to articulate a coherent sentence and on the verge of tears. That was too much and he was too confused, scared and... well, filled with another emotion he had never been allowed to acknowledge before, and with which he really didn't want to deal right then because it was making everything more complicated.

He wasn't supposed to like this. It was perverted. Seishiro-san would surely be disgusted by him if he were to know. He...

Seishiro-san smiled and bent down to kiss him again. It was a gentle kiss this time, almost loving, and it would have made things better if, in kissing him, Seishiro-san hadn't brushed their bodies together. That really didn't help Subaru to relax and he ended up whimpering pitifully into the kiss. He didn't want to like it. He just couldn't help it.

"It's okay, Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san whispered to him before moving to kiss the boy's jaw gently. Subaru preferred it when he whispered. It made everything more intimate, more reassuring.

"You just... surprised me," Seishiro admitted, amusement lingering in his voice. He hadn't expected Subaru-kun to be so forward, even if the boy was probably just mimicking his actions. Subaru-kun looked like he hadn't the most remote idea of how things should go and he was really delicious in his innocence. It increased the pleasure of kissing the boy, of touching him and exposing and exploring his youthful body that somehow embodied all the most desirable characteristics Seishiro could think of. Besides, it was so much fun to try to draw a reaction from him... it almost made Seishiro wish he could indulge in the game of teasing Subaru-kun, of exploring his body in search of the most sensitive points, forever.

Maybe that was why some people favoured virgins. They lacked of knowledge but it was so intriguing to introduce them to the game, to watch how they reacted to it, to discover what got them to react and answer in kind...

"You sure you know how to do it?" Seishiro teased as he raised himself again and took Subaru-kun's small hands into his, kissed them where he had placed his mark causing them to flare to life briefly, and then guided them to his shirt's buttons again.

Too bad he wasn't wearing a tie. He would have enjoyed having Subaru-kun try to free him from it. Oh well, he would remind to wear one next time.

Subaru fumbled with the buttons, but he was really too nervous to manage to unfasten them, and Seishiro-san hovering above him like some sort of silent predator and looking at him like... well, like _'that'_ didn't help. Frustration at his failures was rising inside him, adding to his nervousness and he fought back his need to cry. He was startled when Seishiro-san took hold of him and drew them both up, making Subaru sit on the man's lap.

"Try now," Seishiro-san told him softly, mercifully not sounding angered but amused, and yes, this was still embarrassing but much better than before now that Subaru could concentrate on the buttons, without having to look at Seishiro-san's face. He managed to unfasten the first three relatively fast but then Seishiro-san had to complicate things by wrapping his arms around him and drawing him closer. Subaru tried to keep a certain distance; he couldn't manage to unfasten the buttons if he was too close. Besides, closeness caused his body to react in a... definitely improper manner.

Seishiro took note of Subaru-kun's attempts to keep distance and started kissing him in retaliation, at first just the top of his head, then he tried to move lower, making it hard for Subaru-kun to keep his gaze on the buttons as the man's hands took care to trace distracting patterns on Subaru-kun's back and chest, over and under Subaru-kun's shirt. In his opinion Subaru-kun looked way too adorable to be left quiet and the boy had already paid enough attention to those buttons. It was time he returned his focus on Seishiro. It was time he returned squirming, moaning and arching into his touch. Subaru-kun, however, managed another couple of buttons and so Seishiro decided to draw him forcefully against his chest as he continued to kiss and caress him.

"Seishiro-san... I can't... the buttons..." Subaru-kun tried to complain, his voice coming out in strangled gasps as he squirmed deliciously against Seishiro.

"Yank those stupid buttons away, Subaru-kun. They're taking too much time," Seishiro said moving his attention nipping Subaru-kun's neck while considering if he should fully remove Subaru-kun's shirt or let the boy keep it as he slid it from a shoulder a bit to kiss the skin under it. Now that the shirt was open it wasn't really hiding anything, but probably it made Subaru-kun feel a bit more covered and therefore a bit more secure. Maybe he could let him wear it, he conceded graciously. The briefs, however, had to go.

"Seishiro-san... it's... an expensive... shirt..." Subaru-kun pointed out nervously, panting a little, still making tiny squirming attempts that weren't really helping him to get free but only causing him to rub against Seishiro.

"I don't care," he stated, slightly annoyed by Subaru-kun's tiny defiance. Who would care about a shirt in a situation like this? And why was he wearing an undershirt? He rarely wore them...

Oh, yeah, the day had been cold but now it felt definitely too hot for undershirts, he decided as he groped Subaru-kun's ass. Soft. Just the way he liked it, but what, in Subaru-kun's body, wasn't the way he liked it?

Subaru-kun didn't yell in outrage or scream in fear at that but he tensed up, stilling immediately and starting to tremble slightly as he had when Seishiro had unfastened the buttons of his shirt.

Seishiro mentally kicked himself. Too fast. He was going too fast for the boy to follow him. He should keep in mind that Subaru-kun was inexperienced and scared and move accordingly. However, he couldn't help it. It wasn't his fault if Subaru-kun was so damn desirable and having the boy so pliant only encouraged Seishiro to ask for more.

He restrained himself from just yanking away Subaru-kun's underwear and taking him, uncaring if the boy was ready or not, if he was willing or not, and rubbed Subaru-kun's back soothingly instead.

He wanted Subaru-kun to want him. He wanted to be the only one the boy could want. He wanted Subaru-kun to desire him as he had never done before, and to take the boy by force at this point would only jeopardize what he had done to get here and Seishiro would hate to waste all that work.

As he tried to soothe Subaru-kun he felt the boy lean against him, circling his waist with his arms and hugging him close as if in search of protection. Seishiro marvelled at the obvious oddity of Subaru-kun being so scared by his actions and yet seeking comfort and protection in his closeness.

Really, love caused the people to do the oddest things...

He turned Subaru-kun's face toward him and kissed him again, gently, the boy pliant and responsive in his arms. Such an odd creature... and yet he felt like he could spend a lifetime kissing him, just kissing him, it felt so good kissing him...

"Don't be scared. I told you I know what to do," he whispered and, even though he tried to keep his tone gentle, that sounded very much like an order. It was slightly annoying to have Subaru-kun so scared, as if the boy didn't trust his ability to make the experience enjoyable. "You've no reason to be scared, Subaru-kun. Just relax and let me work," he insisted.

"I love you," Subaru-kun whimpered as Seishiro pushed him down to lie on the bed again. "I love you. I only want to make you happy... I..."

"I know, Subaru-kun, I know," Seishiro assured him in a condescending tone, brushing the boy's hair away from his eyes, pleased by Subaru-kun's obedience despite his obvious fear. Actually that fear, added to his vulnerable look, made him even more tempting... So beautiful... just like a doll, yet better because this boy was alive and willing to follow Seishiro's wishes of his own accord and still capable of surprising him, and... he bent down to kiss him again, possessively.

His.

All his.

His favourite toy.

All his to play with.

He liked to play with Subaru-kun, he so enjoyed this game they were playing right now, as he had never enjoyed it before... never...

He'd once had a toy he particularly enjoyed to play with when he had been a child, even if the games he'd played back then were definitely... different. However he hadn't treated his toy with enough care and he ended up breaking it. He hadn't thought of it as a big deal, secure he would get a replacement. But his mother had refused to buy him another, saying that he was free to break as many toys as he wanted but then he would have to deal with the consequences.

He hadn't understood what she had meant then, even if he had been displeased by how the matter had turned out.

Now, as he watched Subaru-kun trying his best to be brave and give in to Seishiro's demands, he realized that, if he pushed the boy too much, he would probably end up breaking his new toy and be left with nothing which could substitute it.

So he resumed kissing and caressing him, gently, so very gently, hoping that would calm the boy down. It seemed to work as Subaru-kun willingly submitted to his touch, purposely shifting into positions that made Seishiro's work easier. More exciting also. Subaru-kun seemed to have a gift for being unconsciously arousing. The boy wasn't making much noise but Seishiro figured that maybe it wasn't in Subaru-kun's nature to be noisy. The youth was normally so quiet and polite it was hard to picture him making more noise than necessary, even in a situation like this. He didn't think it was healthy to be so repressed but, after all, it was Subaru-kun's problem not his. He didn't want to be bothered by Subaru-kun's problems right then, he only wanted to enjoy the boy's body and to draw as many responses as he could from him, uncaring of Subaru-kun's reluctance to make a sound.

Subaru, in the meantime, was doing his best to be compliant and to suppress each shameful instinct that arose. In all his life he had done nothing else but be compliant, opposing other people's wishes only rarely, when it was really needed. He had never deemed his own personal wishes and tastes worth that much, and, surely, they meant nothing in face of Seishiro-san's wishes. So, no matter how scared he was, how embarrassed he was, how shamed and exposed he felt, he just... tried to do what Seishiro-san wanted, tried to guess what the man would prefer him to do.

Seishiro-san.

Only Seishiro-san mattered.

Sumeragi Subaru amounted to nothing, was nothing, meant nothing.

He had to make Seishiro-san happy.

That was the only thing that mattered to him.

He would give everything to fulfil that task.

Meanwhile Seishiro was planning to move to a step further. Subaru-kun wasn't really relaxed but Seishiro was ready to bet it was impossible to hope for more without drugging the boy or placing him under a spell, and those weren't options he was going to consider. He wanted Subaru-kun to be aware of what he was doing to him, to be _'here'_, to participate one way or another. So this would have to do, he decided as he slowly freed himself of the shirt that Subaru-kun had unbuttoned and unfastened his pants. He moved slowly, sure that hurry would only frighten Subaru-kun more, but decidedly, inexorably.

As he saw Seishiro-san undressing Subaru felt his heart pound so fast and so loud he thought everyone in Tokyo, no in the whole of Japan, would hear it. His body was extremely unwilling to obey him, his mind overloaded with sensations he had never felt before and that made the whole experience more frightening and yet also made him inexplicably long for more.

In the middle of that emotional storm the only thing he was secure about was that he wanted to be with Seishiro-san. Just that.

Seishiro allowed himself a second to stare at his blushing, scared prey, who currently bit his lower lip nervously, unable to tear his eyes from him, even if careful to not look below his waist. Cute. No, not just cute: beautiful. He couldn't think of anything that would be more delicious. All he wanted at the moment was to bury himself into that exposed, perfect body.

He grinned as he took Subaru-kun's hand into his, pressed it against his cheek and then possessively kissed its back, where his mark was. His. His prey. All his. Forever his, and now he would be his even more, he thought looking down at him.

Subaru recognized the gesture for what it was, a mere affirmation of possession, and was again reminded of the fact there was no love from Seishiro-san's side. It didn't matter, he told himself chasing away the stab of pain he felt. He wouldn't ask it of Seishiro-san. Love meant giving, not receiving. He loved Seishiro-san and so he would just give, and keep himself content with what he got without asking for more. If he would get anything, which seemed highly unlikely at the moment.

Seishiro continued kissing Subaru-kun's hand, moving from the back of it to the palm and then to the boy's slender fingers.

Subaru stared at him, not knowing what he was supposed to do. Seishiro-san grinned down at him and then bent down to kiss him again on his lips. Subaru clung to him, welcoming him into his arms, answering to the kiss obediently and almost missing Seishiro-san's hand gripping the waistband of his briefs and pulling. He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to relax. He knew that moment would have come sooner or later. Honestly, he was hoping for later. He kept his eyes shut and turned his head away, obediently raising his backside and then his legs to make things easier, as Seishiro-san finished undressing him, not daring to meet the man's gaze now that he was completely exposed. Well, he was still wearing Seishiro-san's shirt but it was open and it wasn't really covering anything.

"Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san called him gently, but he felt too scared and ashamed to dare turn toward the man or open his eyes.

He was naked.

He was naked in front of Seishiro-san.

He was...

He sniffled, forcing himself not to cry.

"Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san called again, still gently, caressing Subaru's cheek. "It's okay, you're beautiful, you've no reason to be ashamed," the man assured, as if he could read Subaru's fears right from his mind. Subaru couldn't contain a sob at that, shuddering slightly. Those words were what he longed to hear and yet they didn't help him feel better. He just... couldn't believe them. He couldn't feel beautiful right then.

Not that he had ever felt even remotely pretty despite Hokuto-chan's compliments, but right then he felt even worse than usual. He was horrible, horrible and dirty and... and cheap... and a pervert because a side of him was enjoying his situation and... and...

Seishiro-san kissed his temple gently, than moved lower, to trail more soothing kisses and Subaru forced himself to keep still because if he moved, even a little, he knew he would start crying and ruin everything. He just... he didn't want it like this. He didn't feel ready, and Seishiro-san didn't love him, and Subaru's body didn't really listen to Subaru, and Subaru wanted to make Seishiro-san happy because... because he loved Seishiro-san and wanted him happy, but that... that...

Seishiro-san's fingers slid through his hair, caressing him soothingly but Subaru couldn't find any comfort in it; he didn't even register their presence. He just... he felt so alone, and scared, and... and... and he was sure he would mess up and Seishiro-san would be disgusted... and leave... and everything would be wasted and... and...

Seishiro stared at the boy's scared, trembling form. He looked terrified and yet... he wasn't crying or trying to escape. Such a brave boy...

Yet all that fear bothered him. He wasn't going to hurt Subaru-kun, well, not more than necessary, so the boy didn't need to be so scared of him. He should have been scared when Seishiro had been about to kill him, not while they were having sex. Hadn't Subaru-kun said he loved him? So why did he have to act as if he didn't want him? He knew that love and sex weren't the same, but he simply couldn't understand how Subaru-kun might say he loved him if he didn't want him.

"Subaru-kun... you aren't thinking of backing out now, are you?" he asked, sounding slightly annoyed. It would be too bad really if Subaru-kun wanted to back out because he doubted he would be able to stop.

Subaru-kun finally opened his eyes and turned to look at him, shaking his head franticly.

"No, I... no, I... I never... I... Seishiro-san..." the boy babbled in a pleading tone and Seishiro's expression softened at his reply.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked.

"I... I don't know... I've never... before I never... please, don't be mad at me... I'm so sorry, I don't know... I..." the boy stammered, his panic rising.

Seishiro laughed causing Subaru-kun to stop his babbling and look at him in confusion and mortification.

"You're so very silly, Subaru-kun. Why should I be mad to you just because you're inexperienced?" the man asked in a somewhat fond tone that Subaru loved because it was the most affectionate tone he had managed to get from Seishiro-san since the man had told him he had lost the bet. Impulsively, Subaru clung to Seishiro-san with all his strength, his legs wrapped around Seishiro-san's waist. He felt Seishiro-san chuckling slightly again as the man resumed petting and kissing him. It didn't matter. As long as Seishiro-san wasn't mad at him, as long as he wasn't disgusted by him, as long as he didn't leave him alone he could do whatever he wanted with Subaru.

"Subaru-kun, you've been a very pleasing mate so far. You've done nothing wrong. Now relax and leave everything to me. All you have to do right now is relax and think only of me. It's your first time. I'll handle everything for you," Seishiro whispered into the boy's ear. He couldn't think of anything more pleasing than to have Subaru-kun completely focused on him as he played with the boy's delicious body. Not even his mother had looked more gorgeous than Subaru-kun; each of the boy's characteristics seemed to fulfil Seishiro's expectations in such a perfect way he was tempted to think the boy had been born just to satisfy his lust.

Everything in Subaru-kun was perfect and exciting, even his fear and his shame, and he truly loved the manner in which Subaru-kun clung to him. He took his time preparing him for what was to come, fussing and cuddling him as he stretched and lubricated him carefully so that he won't hurt him too badly once the time came. By then the boy was too scared to reciprocate his attentions, and yet despite his fear he was still clinging to him, he was still allowing him to do whatever he wanted, looking at him as if he was the centre of Subaru-kun's universe. It was addictive to matter so much, to be offered so much, and Seishiro didn't seem able to get enough of it. His body, however, was of another opinion. Seishiro's self control was good but it too had its limits, and he had really waited more than enough to take the boy.

Subaru-kun didn't cry out as he was penetrated, he didn't struggle or try to escape it. He just clung to Seishiro tightly, so tightly it hurt, unconsciously digging his nails into the man's skin, and biting his lower lip so hard he drew blood.

Seishiro paused, holding the boy tightly against himself, waiting for Subaru-kun to relax a little, absently nipping the boy's neck as he tried to get adjust to the boy tightness and warmth.

Subaru felt confused, not expecting the pause. What Seishiro-san was doing hurt but Subaru had been expecting the pain. He had been expecting to be hurt and this somehow helped, the tension of waiting for the pain melting away now that he was in pain. It wasn't a horrible pain, after all, and he could cope with it. He had been expecting something much worse, instead, while it hurt badly, he was being held and comforted and Seishiro-san seemed to be waiting for him to get comfortable with it, and this soothed him as he tried to calm his ragged breathing. It would be over soon, or at least he hoped. To distract his mind from the pain he concentrated solely on Seishiro-san, on the sound and the warmth of his breath next to Subaru's ear, on his lips pressing against Subaru's skin, on his hands touching Subaru's body. It didn't seem to work well when the man began to move again inside him, the pain becoming sharper, then, slowly, Subaru managed to tone it down, Seishiro-san's actions catching his complete attention.

Subaru realized the flaw in his plan only when it was too late and his whole body was enjoying Seishiro-san's attentions too much for Subaru to manage to force it to relax again. He knew he wasn't supposed to enjoy this, that it was sick to enjoy this, that it was disgusting, wrong, shameful... he just couldn't help it. To him these were foreign sensations and he had no resistance built against them. His body flatly refused to ignore them, on the contrary it let them take control of it, apparently liking even more when Seishiro-san became more forceful and the pain increased again, until Subaru's mind shut down and a blissful pleasure filled him for a moment before his energies were spent and he went limp, pleasure leaving his body to give space to shame.

Seishiro had no idea of the complicated processes that were going on in Subaru-kun's mind as he pounded into him. To him sex had never had negative or shameful connotations, it was merely something to be enjoyed. He had expected Subaru-kun's fear and embarrassment and had done his best to make things smooth for the boy, at least while he had been able to think rationally. When his body's needs had taken control of his mind he had simply stopped paying attention to Subaru-kun's needs to concentrate solely on finding his pleasure in the youth under him. He hadn't really realized he was being rough with the boy and, anyway, Subaru-kun hadn't opposed it, Subaru-kun hadn't opposed anything he had done, on the contrary at the moment he seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit, and that was pleasing, and yet... there was something wrong in the whole picture even if Seishiro had no idea what. He didn't bother pondering on this as Subaru-kun's body contracted around him, urging him to reach release as well. Once done he let himself slump over Subaru-kun, panting and trying to recover his energies. It was odd, but he couldn't remember ever finding that much pleasure in another body, not even in his mother's, and yet... there was something missing, something he had failed to get and he had no idea what it was. Lethargically, he moved to kiss the boy's cheek, hoping some cuddling would fix it and became aware of Subaru-kun's insistent apologies.

"Subaru-kun... what are you apologising for?" he asked tiredly, rolling onto his side and dragging Subaru-kun close. The boy was warm and soft and definitely pliant in his grasp. A lovely toy.

"I... I... I did... that thing... I... I... I shouldn't have... done that thing... I... the sheets... you..." the boy babbled, sounding panicked as he curled against him as if searching for protection.

"It's called orgasm, Subaru-kun," he replied sleepily, snuggling even closer to the boy and wondering why Subaru-kun just couldn't call certain things by their own names. "It's just the natural response to the body's stimulation. It's a bit messy, but that can't be helped. Don't worry about it. After all, I don't hate doing laundry that much." It was strange however. No matter how close he pressed himself to the boy... it still didn't seem close enough, not even after what they had done. He tightened his grip around Subaru-kun even more but that didn't fix the problem.

"But I didn't mean to like it..." Subaru-kun whimpered. "I tried to relax as you said, I... I'm so sorry, I really..."

Seishiro blinked as he tried to process what Subaru-kun was saying.

"Wait a moment here, what's do you mean you didn't mean to like it?" he asked raising himself on his elbow.

"I... I... you said to relax... I tried to... I... I'm so sorry... I..." the boy tried to explain in a pitiful tone.

Seishiro blinked further.

"You mean you... you thought... when I told..." The boy couldn't have thought that when he told him to relax he meant to ignore whatever pleasurable feelings he received, could he? Yet apparently he had, and Seishiro couldn't help but laugh in the face of Subaru-kun's naivety. The boy stared at him in confusion and hurt.

"Silly, I didn't mean you couldn't enjoy it, quite the contrary," he explained when he managed to stop laughing. "This sort of thing is supposed to be enjoyed. You did nothing wrong in finding pleasure in it. Actually, I would have felt insulted if you hadn't liked it."

"I... it wasn't wrong?... but Obaachan said..." Subaru babbled, trying to make sense of Seishiro-san's words and failing. Obaachan had become so angry when Hokuto-chan had mentioned this sort of thing. Subaru had been sure it was because people wasn't supposed to like them, because it was wrong to like them, because they were pervert stuff. So why was Seishiro-san saying it was okay if he liked them? That he had wanted Subaru to like them? Was he lying to him again? Making fun of him? Implying Subaru was a pervert? He just... he didn't understand.

Seishiro petted him affectionately marvelling at how the boy looked adorable when he was confused. Adorable. Innocent. Pure. He was still pure and innocent, despite what had just happened. He dragged him close and kissed him deeply on his lips.

Subaru submitted to the kiss with a quiet whimper. His lips were bruised and slightly sore but that didn't matter. He liked to be kissed by Seishiro-san, even when it stung, and he wanted to make Seishiro-san happy. Seishiro-san gazed at him in what looked like an almost fond manner when they parted, and Subaru liked that too.

That kiss had tasted a bit of blood due to the cut on Subaru's lip, and he blushed when Seishiro-san began gently licking his split lip. It was... such a strange and yet so very nice feeling... that he had to fight back a moan...

"Silly boy, why did you agree to this if you thought it wouldn't be pleasurable?" Seishiro asked curiously when they parted again. Subaru-kun blinked, looking at him as if he had made a very stupid question.

"Because I want to be with you," he replied simply, resting his forehead against Seishiro's. "I don't care about anything else as long as I can stay with you, and you wanted to do this."

It was Seishiro's turn to blink. He traced the boy's profile while trying to understand how his presence could mean so very much to Subaru-kun that the boy seemed ready to do anything just to stay with him. He failed. It was just beyond his comprehension.

He rolled Subaru-kun to his back and moved over him again then let his hand wander lower.

Subaru tensed, expecting Seishiro-san to do to him again what he had done before, then gasped as the man took hold of... a certain part of him.

"Seishiro-san!" he complained, blushing again, not knowing what he was supposed to do. He should push Seishiro-san away but he wasn't in a position to complain of the man's actions, and besides... he didn't really want to push him away. The man grinned mischievously down at him and kissed his cheek as his hand trailed up and down gently, causing the boy's body to react accordingly despite Subaru's attempts to control it.

"Enjoy this, Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san whispered huskily in his ear. "There's nothing wrong with liking this, you're supposed to like this, so... just enjoy it."

"Seishiro-san..." Subaru whimpered pathetically, not knowing what to do with himself or his feelings and sensations. He felt so... utterly lost and scared in all this.

"Hold on to me, Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san suggested. "Hold on to me and just enjoy this. Let it go. You'll like this, I promise," he assured, brushing Subaru-kun's hair away from the boy's sweat-covered forehead and kissing it as the boy grasped Seishiro's upper arms shyly, fingers sliding on his skin hesitantly. "It's okay, Subaru-kun, this will feel only nice, I promise," he continued in a reassuring tone before kissing boy's cheek and trailing lower, toward Subaru-kun's neck. The youth's arms moved to wrap around him as Seishiro took care to make sure the pleasure grew inside him. Subaru-kun clung to him tightly as the sensations took control of his mind until his pleasure reached its apex, then Subaru-kun let himself slump back to the bed, utterly exhausted. Seishiro kissed him again before looking down at him with a satisfied expression. "So? Wasn't it nice as I promised?" he asked, and felt pleased when the boy nodded weakly in reply. Subaru-kun would have probably blushed as well, but he likely felt too tired for it.

"Seishiro-san..." Subaru-kun only whispered in a weak, needy tone, trying to find the strength to grasp his upper arms again. "Don't leave..." he pleaded and sighed in relief when Seishiro assured him he wasn't even considering it, before bending down to nuzzle against him.

"You've done nothing wrong, Subaru-kun," he assured then, rising a bit to kiss the boy's forehead. "Don't listen to your grandmother's words, she really understands nothing about this," he continued, moving back to roll on his side and pulling the boy with him. Subaru-kun only curled closer, apparently enjoying Seishiro's kisses and caresses. Seishiro had no clear idea why he was showering the boy in attention at that point; he didn't even knew why he had given him a hand job. He assumed it was just some sort of compensation for having been such a pleasant bed partner despite being so scared and confused. Yet he couldn't deny he liked to coddle and cuddle the boy in his arms, and this was unusual because he had never felt much interested in pleasing another before, unless he had something to gain from it. It was kind of confusing.

He raised Subaru-kun's head so to stare into the boy's tired, green eyes. He was still so beautiful, but that didn't explain why he found taking care of him so fascinating, and it was slightly annoying to see how Subaru-kun seemed at peace with their current situation. The boy should be the worried one. Didn't it bother him, not even a little, the idea that Seishiro might kill him now that he had got what he wanted?

"You know what we need right now?" he asked cheerfully. The boy shook his head timidly in reply. "Shower. We need a good shower. We'll feel better afterwards," he said, planning to confuse Subaru-kun with that reply, then, before Subaru-kun could answer, he rolled out of the bed, stood and picked Subaru-kun up in his arms. Subaru-kun gasped in a mix of surprise and pain at the sudden movement and clung to him.

"Seishiro-san!" he protested, looking up at him.

"Hush, Subaru-kun, in your state you shouldn't walk around. It wouldn't be comfortable at all," the man said. Subaru blushed wildly as he was reminded of his soreness and his cheeks reddened even more when he remembered he was still naked. He knew Seishiro-san had already seen him naked, but... well... being carried around in Seishiro-san's arms while he was naked was still embarrassing, especially considering Seishiro-san was naked as well. He curled close to him, trying to disappear and looking even younger and more vulnerable than he was.

Seishiro decided that Subaru-kun, curled shyly in his arms, was a very pleasing vision he should enjoy often and was slightly disappointed when, once they reached the bathroom, he had to settle him in the shower. He let warm water spray them gently as he took care to wash Subaru-kun carefully, despite the boy's shy complaint that he could do it on his own. Subaru-kun, however, didn't really resist much and shortly after he was leaning against Seishiro, his arms wrapped around the man's waist, as Seishiro massaged the Sakura scented shampoo through Subaru-kun's hair, looking like he planned to fall asleep here.

Was this cute child the one he had sex with, just a little while ago? Was this cute child who rested so carelessly against him the only one who knew who he really was, who had seen what he could do, who had felt it inflicted on his own person? This boy was such a puzzle, he mused as he carefully washed away the shampoo before stopping the water, then he gently led a drowsy Subaru-kun out of the shower and quickly wrapped the boy in his bathrobe. The thing was soft and too big for Subaru-kun's small frame, and the boy looked almost lost in it. Subaru-kun blinked at him, looking younger, utterly adorable and a bit more awake, as Seishiro retrieved two towels, wrapped one around his waist and used the other to cover Subaru-kun's wet hair. The boy had been sick for what Seishiro judged a long enough time. He didn't plan to let him catch another cold. Subaru-kun needed to be dried and put to bed as soon as possible. He picked him up again, his action meeting no protests this time, as the boy just leaned against him. Was he really that exhausted or was he starting to get used to this?

He carried him back to the bedroom and sat him on his lap as he gently dried Subaru-kun's hair. The boy wasn't offering any resistance, on the contrary he seemed about to doze off; doze off in the arms of an assassin that embodied all that his Ichimon despised.

"Tired, Subaru-kun?" he asked, trying to get the boy to pay attention to him.

"Oh... I..." the boy stammered, blinking and trying to keep himself awake, distancing himself from Seishiro in the process, a thing that Seishiro didn't find particularly pleasing. "I'm sorry, I..." he babbled apologetically. Seishiro wrapped his arm around the boy's waist tighter to force him to lean against him again.

"Don't apologize, Subaru-kun. It was just a simple question," he pointed out in an annoyed tone.

"I... sorry, I..." the boy repeated, leaning against him obediently.

"Don't worry over something so silly," Seishiro replied, feeling pleased again as he critically studied Subaru-kun's hair. It seemed to be dry enough. He set the boy back on his feet as he stood. "Give me a minute, Subaru-kun," he said then, tapping the boy on his nose before moving to change the bed sheets.

Subaru would have offered to help him, but he blushed and turned speechless when he saw traces of his blood and... something else on them. He was reminded of each detail of what had happened shortly before, things he had tried to forget in the pleasurable haze of being held, and he hugged himself feeling all of a sudden tremendously alone. He would have liked to be back in Seishiro-san's arms but he knew that the man had likely finished with him for the day and he didn't dare to bother him. After all, even if for Subaru what they had done had been for Subaru a very private act that he wouldn't have wanted to share with anyone other than Seishiro-san, for the man it was likely just the pastime of a moment, something in which he had indulged out of curiosity and nothing more. Subaru knew better than to hope for something more, but that didn't make him feel any better. His body hurt, especially in a certain place, and he felt tired. He was trying to not think of what his Ichimon had taught him, of how it was morally wrong, shameful and disgusting what Subaru had just done, of how his whole Ichimon wouldn't be able to forgive him for this. He was trying to not think of it because Seishiro-san had told him he didn't share that opinion, that Subaru had done nothing wrong, but now that Seishiro-san wasn't holding him he... he...

"Subaru-kun, what's wrong, are you cold?" Seishiro-san's voice cut through his thoughts as the man rested a warm hand on his forehead. Subaru looked up at him timidly, looking very much like a lost puppy. "Of course you are, you're trembling," the man continued. "You must get out of that wet bathrobe and under the covers right now," Seishiro-san stated. "Wait, I'll lend you another of my pyjama shirts," he added as he moved to retrieve one. "I'd lend you a pair of underwear also but I fear we don't share the same size."

Subaru just stared at him silently, still hugging himself. He let the man free him of the bathrobe and put on a new pyjama shirt, one without buttons this time, without resisting, as if he were a doll. He was used at being dressed up. Hokuto-chan did it often enough. Hokuto-chan...

"Subaru-kun... what's wrong?" Seishiro asked again in a gentle tone he used merely to prod the boy into talking. He hadn't missed the boy's distressed expression. It was really too late for Subaru-kun to regret what they had done, and slightly annoying. He had wasted precious time to make sure Subaru-kun would enjoy the experience. He didn't feel in the mood to listen to his whining or his complaints. Subaru-kun should have known better. If the boy was going to begin to whine he would likely not see the next dawn.

"Can I... can I sleep with you tonight?" Subaru-kun asked quietly, his gaze lowered and his cheeks a flaming red as his lower lip trembled slightly. "I... I promise I won't bother you, I... I'll just curl in a corner and... and even the floor would be fine, I..."

Seishiro blinked.

"Subaru-kun, of course you're going to sleep in bed with me. Where did you think you would be sleeping?" he asked, feeling quite confused. Subaru-kun had the impressive gift of always surprising him.

"I... I thought... maybe you would prefer... to have the bed... for you... I mean... I... Seishiro-san... I..." the boy babbled, his trembling increasing. Seishiro smiled as he sat on the bed and pulled Subaru-kun back on his lap.

"Subaru-kun, do you realize you're the best living plushie a man could wish to sleep with?" he asked in a definitely amused tone. The boy blinked in confusion and Seishiro kissed him on the tip of his nose. "Get under the covers, Subaru-kun, and stop worrying."

Subaru did so obediently, crawling under the covers like a good child and curling in a ball, his eyes never leaving Seishiro-san. The man smiled at him then freed himself of the towel around his waist with a grin, causing Subaru to blush and turn away his gaze. He heard Seishiro-san rummaging through his clothes again and when the man was back he was wearing a pair of pyjama pants and drying his own hair with a towel. Subaru blushed even more when Seishiro-san joined him under the covers and curled into an even tighter ball trying to take as little space as possible, but when the man rested his hand on Subaru's shoulder and whispered a _'Subaru-kun, come closer'_ right inside his ear he couldn't help but turn toward him and squirm into Seishiro-san's arms with a satisfied sigh. Seishiro-san was cuddling him again and Subaru wasn't sure why he was doing it, but he liked it to much to dare to question the man over it. This wasn't the life Subaru had dreamed of, no, definitely this wasn't what he had been looking for in his childish dreams of loving someone and being loved back, and yet he didn't dare complain because, as long as he was allowed to be with Seishiro-san and the man paid him a minimal amount of attention, it was enough for him.

Seishiro stared at Subaru-kun's form curled into his arms, caressing the boy distractedly as he tried to make out his feelings over the whole matter. He really had no idea what he was aiming at in keeping the boy with himself. The sex had been good and undoubtedly Subaru-kun really was the perfect Teddy Bear to sleep with, yet that didn't seem a justification good enough for sparing the boy's life. But still... he couldn't summon up the will to kill him, or to let him go. He had no idea what exactly he was looking for but he knew it lay in Subaru-kun. He would just have to wait and keep searching. He pulled the boy even closer, feeling oddly pleased when Subaru-kun wrapped his arms around him in his sleep, snuggling even closer, and closed his eyes, soon joining him in dreamland.

* * *

"You're still here," the teenager said as soon as he opened his eyes and caught sight of his younger companion. The boy smiled brightly at him.

"I told you I would guard your sleep," he reminded him.

"Yes, you told me that," he replied sitting up. It seemed as if the sun was setting. He actually couldn't see the sun in the odd reality in which they were, but the colours around them were those of sunset: various shades of red, orange and pink as everything became darker yet still clear enough. A moment in between, in which day and night kissed, a teenage girl had called it, and someone else had blushed at that and stammered the girl's name, only... he couldn't remember it, nor the boy who had stammered it. He didn't like that. It wasn't like him to forget things, and he had the idea that the boy should have been something he shouldn't have allowed himself to forget... Slightly annoyed, he turned to his companion who still looked at him lovingly, and that now was seated next to him. He looked tired, he noticed. Not that it mattered to him, yet... "Tired?" he asked anyway.

"I'm fine," the boy assured, shaking his head.

"Fine?" he echoed dubiously.

"Fine," the boy repeated with a smile. "I'm with you," he added as if this explained everything.

"And just that is enough for you?" he asked in an almost mocking tone.

"Of course. I love you and it makes me happy to be next to you. What else could I wish for?" the boy asked him curiously. He frowned. It didn't make sense to him. "What about you? What do you wish for?" the younger teen asked him then almost shyly. "What's so important to you that you would go looking for it all the way to the other side of the world, that you'd do anything for it, no matter the consequences? Or are you already perfectly happy as you are?"

"Me?" he asked in confusion. Did he have something he wished for so badly? Or was he already perfectly happy as he was? "I don't know..." he admitted, lowering his gaze and looking very young, lost and lonely himself for once. He turned when he felt the boy rest his small hand gently on his shoulder and gazed intently at affectionate green eyes that asked nothing and offered too much. The next he knew was he had thrown himself against the boy, hugging his waist tightly as he leaned against him heavily, almost unbalancing him.

"Oh... hum... I... you..." the boy babbled nervously, blushing embarrassedly, yet he made no attempt to push him away.

"I don't know what I want," he repeated in a raw tone, snuggling against his companion. "But when I'm here I'm fine..." he admitted quietly, referring with _'here'_ not to the place he was in, but to the youth's embrace. "So fine..."

The boy smiled down at him and gently caressed his hair.

"Then stay. At least until you find out what you want to look for. It'll make me happy too..." the boy offered.

He nodded and sighed in pleasure as the boy continued to cuddle and caress him. He was fine where he was. Maybe this wasn't paradise, maybe this wasn't the perfect place for which he should wish, but, at the moment, he didn't want to search for anything else. He would do that later. When he found out what he truly wanted. Maybe. So far... he was fine here...

_**"I have climbed highest mountain  
I have run through the fields  
Only to be with you  
Only to be with you **_

_**I have run  
I have crawled  
I have scaled these city walls  
These city walls  
Only to be with you **_

__

_**I have kissed honey lips  
Felt the healing in her fingertips  
It burned like fire  
This burning desire **_

_**I have spoke with the tongue of angels  
I have held the hand of a devil  
It was warm in the night  
I was cold as a stone **_

**_But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."  
(U2 - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For")_**

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. The Sakurazuka estate, the one in which Setsuka lived and in which Subaru received Seishiro's eye is, according to the drama cd, in the outskirt of Tokyo. I'm assuming Seishiro had moved there after the end of the bet.

2. According to Hokuto Subaru always got sick easily. Add to this the fact he was injured and weakened by having been within for so long... and yes, it wasn't a definitely bright idea to carry him around in just a pyjamas...

3. Subaru's apartment is in Shinjuku, Kabuki-cho who's basically in the middle of Tokyo. Being Tokyo a rather large city you can easily figure Seishiro did quite a long walk... and he might thank the fact he's a Chi no Ryu or he wouldn't have managed at all...

4. In the insert attached to **'Tokyo Babylon'** Vol. 2 there's the illustration of Seishiro holding a pig looking plushie while he's on a bed with Subaru (sadly the scene is definitely not romantic). The whole plushie thing was inspired by that illustration.

5. It's not sure if Seishiro had an incestuous relation with Setsuka even if the two exchanged weird innuendo, she always said she loved him the most and Seishiro kissed her on her lips after he killed her.

6. Seishiro deflected the Sakanagi on the animal in his clinic. I assume he did so with the pets he had also.

7. Shudo or Wakushudo was Japanese tradition of age-structured homosexuality prevalent in samurai society from the medieval period until the end of the 19th century. The practice was held in high esteem, and was encouraged, especially within the samurai class. It was considered beneficial for the youth, teaching him virtue, honesty and the appreciation of beauty. Its value was contrasted with the love of women, which was blamed for feminizing men. Beginning with the Meiji restoration and the rise of Western influence, Christian values began to influence the culture, leading to a rapid decline of sanctioned homoerotic practices in the late 1800s.

8. Subaru's grandmother has her own reasons to be so angry and more than to the idea of Wakushudo they're connected to the implications the question has in itself. First of all during the year Subaru spent in Tokyo he was only eight/nine... rather young to be involved into a pysical relation. Second, there's the little matter of Subaru's marked hands. I do think she might have known the implications of the marks and the fact that Subaru might have ended up either as victim or as heir of the Sakurazukamori and I think she wouldn't have liked the implication she had pushed him toward that. Also, since she was the one who was teaching to Subaru the sentence could also be read as if Hokuto was asking her if she'd done moves on her grandson... Poor Subaru however completely misunderstood her reaction and got very scared by it.

9. According to the drama cd it seems Seishiro didn't live with Setsuka but just visited her, his first visit taking place when he was nine. I don't know if in the last years/year of Setsuka's life he began to live with her.

10. Seishiro and Subaru from **'Tokyo Babylon'** Vol. 3.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
Actually this wasn't supposed to exist. **'Everybody Is Looking For Something'** should have remained an One-Shot. I hope no one is disappointed if I wrote a sequel... and no, I've no idea if there will ever be more.  
Again Seishiro's dream is filled with symbolism (that Seishiro misses completely when he's awake). Let's start with his dreamscape that had changed due to Subaru's presence in his life and notice how the Sakura alone now isn't enough to offer him solace... he also needs Subaru.  
Their discussion instead mirrors their personalities. Seishiro doesn't want to see what he doesn't like and wants thing to be as he wants them to be. He is willing to share his vision of the world with Subaru but not to change it and, after all, he doesn't care much about how Subaru chooses to see the world. Subaru instead wants to see the world as Seishiro sees it even if the thing scares him. He tries to interest the other in his world as well but he accepts how Seishiro might not be interested and yet still tries to share bits of it.  
Subaru seems to be against the idea that he could be in love with a male through almost all **'Tokyo Babylon'** and he is exasperatingly innocent, yet he knows what _'rape'_ meant. I thought his ignorance over certain matters might be due to the fact that explanations about sex had been presented to him when he was too young to comprehend them, so he knows the basic mechanical of the act but not what's behind it. As for his ideas over a relationship between two males... well Wakushudo is part of the Japanese tradition (even if in the last century Japanese people had started to look down on it) and Subaru's family looks traditional enough. Subaru is of the last generation and he might have more modern views but, considering Hokuto's behaviour and the fact it seems he had been raised by his grandmother, I don't see from where they could come so I assume they're born from a misunderstanding.  
The sex scene... was pure hell to write and I'm still not fully satisfied how it turned out.  
Subaru was supposed to be very scared and confused and yet willing to go on, even if only for Seishiro's sake. Seishiro wasn't supposed to be a sadist with him... He's just brutally honest and a bit egoist. He doesn't want to be nice or cruel to Subaru because he doesn't want to care about him one way or another. And no, having sex with Subaru didn't make him magically fall in love. He doesn't quite know what he wants from Subaru even if he's aware that there's something in Subaru that he wants. He has a rather long way to go before understanding his own feelings.  
Seishiro's second dream has some symbolism as well. The place is changed again. Now it's sunset, a time in between the day that Subaru said to like and the night that Seishiro said to like because the two of them had find some sort of common ground. Dream-Subaru reflects the security of feelings Seishiro thinks the real Subaru has and that, for him, is impossible to understand. He has no idea what his feelings are on the whole matters and doesn't really want to find out. However he likes the situation he's in and that's a start.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Ichimon:** "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"  
**Maboroshi:** Illusion  
**Obaachan:** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakanagi:** "Reverse effect". Backlash of a spell  
**Sakura:** "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Shikifuku:** Ceremonial Robe  
**Shudo:** Short for 'Wakushudo'  
**Sumeragi no Chou:** Sumeragi's Head  
**Wakushudo:** "Way Of The Young Men". It was the Japanese tradition of age-structured homosexuality prevalent in samurai society from the medieval period until the end of the 19th century.

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To **Gray Wings**: I'm glad you liked. As you can see I wrote a sequel. I can't promise there will be another...

To **CalasstriaStar**: Dreams are what put in contact the unconscious and the conscius side of each person so I thought Seishiro's dream would try to get him to understand he loves Subaru... As for Seishiro getting things straight... he had to. If a dream would suffice to make him realize and declare his feelings for Subaru all Hokuto had to do was to ask Kakyou for help...

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: I'm happy to hear you liked it! If seishiro sees Subaru as an object... well SURELY the boy is his favorite possession, isn't he?

To **Tankyasue**: Your words make me blush. Actually 'Everybody Is Looking For Something' was planned to be an one shot. Due to many requests (and ispiration) it gave life to this. I've no idea if it'll be continued.

To **0ri**: Thank you! I've tried my best!

To **brinachan**: I know, it's sad... but all in all is happier than TB...

To **firelid**: Thank you!

To **M. Midori**: Your words are too kind especially because they come from a fantastic writer as yourself! Do you realize every time I read them I blush Subaru-Style?

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


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